A little bit of me wishes I had carried on writing my feelings once Caleb had arrived, maybe it would have helped me navigate the mix of emotions that overwhelmed me. But I felt in no state of mind to do any writing at all. I was not prepared for the kick to the gut of those early weeks of parenthood. Sleep deprivation, physical pain, hormones flooding in, the challenge of breastfeeding… The photos made it look magical but I can’t explain adequately how hard I found it, and how distraught I was at finding it so hard. I had genuine thoughts and feelings of wanting to give him back, then feeling distressed that there was no one to give him back to! Now as I hold him, I can’t believe I ever wanted to not have my beautiful boy, but I remember the thoughts and feelings being very real. I am immensely grateful for the wonderful friends who I reached out to in those first weeks, who were open and honest in how they felt when they had their babies. I never felt judged for my scary thoughts, apart from how I judged myself. 10 weeks on, I have only felt supported, encouraged and celebrated by the community of mums I have been welcomed into with open arms. You can hear bad things about how mothers treat and judge each other, but I have not seen that at all. Even online (when you look in the right places!) I have seen such comradeship and warmth.

God has blessed us abundantly with our little boy, who brings such joy to us and so many others. But, there is no doubt about it, parenting is HARD and occasionally scary. Whenever Caleb seems ill, my mind catastrophises (not a word) and I just want to hold him and magically make him better. I doubt that will go away. It’s really opened my eyes to how my parents must have felt, and how terrified they must have been whenever my brother and I were ill or injured. Remember to thank your parents for all they’ve done for you!

New mums, be gentle with yourselves and everyone else, be gentle with new mums. Make them meals, offer to clean their house, hold their babies while they rest, leave them alone if that’s what they need. Those meals that were brought to us in the first couple of weeks were so gratefully received as they meant we didn’t have to bother with cooking and also we were well nourished when all I wanted to eat was junk (or nothing at all)! Oh we were fed SO well.

I am still very new to this and our world has been completely turned upside down, but, amongst the rubble, I have experienced such beauty, wonder and joy in becoming a mummy and I thank God for making this dream come true.

My mind’s too tired to think of any poetry at the moment. I’m feeling pretty fed up of pregnancy and just want to meet our baby boy now! Friends who we are journeying along with are having their babies and as I hold them and look down on them, I imagine what it will be like to hold and look at you. To feed you. To soothe you. To have you fall asleep. To hand you to family and friends. To hand you to your daddy, and be handed you by him. To watch him feed you, soothe you, change you, talk to you and kiss you. We still have at least another month to wait, Caleb, and we are getting impatient! But there is still much to do, much to prepare. We had a party yesterday to celebrate you and those who could make it were just a tiny slither of the village who are going to be around you, helping to raise you. So many people are so excited for you, but none more than your mummy and daddy. Stay cooking in there, bub, and when you’re ready, we’ll be ready and we will love you so, so much.