This is very much going to be a personal look at this past year rather than looking at all that has happened in the wider world. I hope you can forgive me for not mentioning the bigger picture things that have made this a difficult or horrendous year for thousands of people. I also want to say that I am aware how privileged and blessed we are in many many ways, so if all this sounds indecorous to you, I apologise. Right, with all the caveats out the way, let’s get into it shall we?

This year has been one for the books for the Dinsmore clan. We have learned how to shout for help where we need it and put in a lot of work to get it. This year we have applied for and received: Caleb’s Autism diagnoses (private and NHS), his EHCP for school (Education and Health Care Plan. Our application was rejected initially so we took it to mediation and got the decision overturned), DLA (Disability Living Allowance), and Carer’s allowance. These applications involved reams and reams of paperwork, hundreds of emails, many appointments, and a shedload of my time. Stepping into 2024, it’s a relief to have these big ticket things crossed off our to-do list. They have provided support for Caleb in school and have provided us with financial support, which we have really needed at points this year. It was a heck of a lot of work but I’m glad we’ve done it.

Bethany and Lily started preschool this year and Caleb moved from his preschool to his (second) school in September. This has meant that I have had the luxury of time to myself a couple of mornings a week and Sam and I have often had Friday mornings together. It has made a huge difference from the extra year of having Caleb out of school where all three kids were often at home all day. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and I love spending time with them. However, I also enjoy (and need) time to myself to get jobs done, clear my head, and flop. In recent weeks when Caleb hasn’t been in school as much as normal, I’ve found the lack of time to myself keenly, so I know it’s an essential thing for me.

I wish I could say that we were stepping out of the survival mode we have found ourselves in for most of this year, but that would be a lie. Caleb is still only doing short days at school, there are still struggles in that area, big emotions, sibling relationships, and the general chaos of life to deal with. Maybe all families with young children feel constantly in survival mode. Do you? I’ve heard life with kids aged 5 and under being described as being in the trenches, and yes, the war metaphor feels accurate.

The word I have used most often to describe life this year has been chaos. Both mentally and actually. Life can often feel chaotic when you’ve got laundry overflowing, forms that you’re filling in, emails that you’re chasing, and little people you’re trying to keep alive and happy, let alone maintaining your own adult relationships and sanity. You can feel like you’re coasting for a while but you’re teetering on the edge of a cliff and something as tiny as running out of bread can send you spiralling into the chaos zone again. Daily I find myself looking skyward and asking God to help me, which He does, if only to remind me that He’s with me through it all.

One thing I find the most challenging about our life is the unpredictability of emotions from all the kids, but especially our eldest. You can feel like you’re treading on eggshells a lot of the time as you never know how what you say or do will land. It’s pretty exhausting for all of us, but of course especially for him as he is often not in control. Whilst there have been many wonderful moments this year, I have often found myself holding my breath in sheer anxiety as we face challenges each day.

Another challenge is the mental load of being a parent! There was one moment just a couple of months ago that brought into sharp focus the weight of this load. I was getting the girls back into the car after seeing a doctor about Lily’s eczema when I got a message about a medical appointment for Caleb, whilst simultaneously my mind was ticking over whether I should book a doctor’s appointment for Bethany because her cough had been going on a bit too long. I sat in the driver’s seat, felt the overwhelm and took a breath. Then I reminded myself of something that I often have to remind myself of. “I’m finding this hard because it’s hard.”

It’s hard because it’s hard. It’s not hard because you’re a bad parent. It’s not hard because your kid’s a bad kid. It’s not hard because Mercury is in retrograde. It’s not hard because you’re doing anything wrong. It’s hard because it’s hard. Does reminding myself of this make it all any easier? No, of course not. But it helps me give myself grace. It helps me to validate my feelings and to recognise that that’s all they are. Feelings, not facts.

All this to say, if at times your life feels chaotic, if it ever all feels too overwhelming and hard, I get it. I feel it. You are not alone in it and I guarantee that the thoughts you’ve had have been thought by countless other parents and people.

As we leave this year and step into a new one, I’m keenly aware that I need to deal with the stress of being a parent, especially a parent to a child with additional needs, better than I currently do. How do I currently deal with it? Chocolate, doom scrolling, crying, Haribo and wine. The crying will be here to stay as that’s a healthy way to deal with things. The excess sugar is less so.

I’m already trying a few things to help myself manage the stress a bit better. One thing is trying to get myself up before the kids are awake. Just that half an hour or so in the quiet with God at the beginning of the day sets me up for a much better day. I’m also trying to be more aware of the things I consume, be that content on social media, food, drink or the books I’m reading. There is always a choice in what I let in, so I am striving to be a better gatekeeper of my mind, heart and body.

The stress of being a parent isn’t going away any time soon, and next year holds the potential for many positive things, but also many stressful things too, like every year. So come journey with me on this path of seeking how to stress less and hopefully in turn be the mum, wife, friend and person I want to be more of the time. (Not all of the time, I’m not expecting miracles, but more of the time).

Thank you so much to those of you who have been reading my blog posts. Getting back into writing this year has brought me so much joy.

Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas and a joyful New Year.

This year I set myself the challenge of reading 100 books. I tried to set myself a challenge every year and as I get further into the year I tend to increase the number of books I eventually want to read. It’s the 11th of December and I’ve read 85 books out of the 100 so I don’t think I’m going to meet my challenge this year!

As I’m sure you know by now, I absolutely love reading and I love to recommend books that have really grabbed me, made me laugh, made me think and made me want to pass them on.

So here is a list of 10 books in no particular order that I recommend you read next year:

1. American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins: I read this along with my book club and it was a massive hit for most who read it. I’ve already talked about it in a previous post but it’s a hard hitting book about immigrants making the journey from Mexico to the US. There are moments of real tragedy but also joy and it’s very evocative in its use of imagery. A must read.
2. Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin: one of those books with a lot of hype but that was actually worth the hype. Despite it being about making video games, I found it really engaging and absolutely loved the friendships portrayed through it. It’s beautifully written and an easy read.
3. Still Life by Sarah Winman: this was the first book of hers that I’ve read and I absolutely loved it. A sprawling, long book with intercepting characters, beautiful prose and real heart. Set in Florence for a large chunk, it made me want to visit the city again as it makes it sound so beautiful.
4. Carrie Sotto is Back by Taylor Jenkins Reid: I absolutely love Taylor Jenkins Reid and this book did not disappoint. It follows a tennis superstar over her career and, despite not being into tennis at all, I really enjoyed it.
5. The Rose Code by Kate Quinn: not normally the type of book I would choose to read but I picked it up because an Bookstagram person I follow raves about it. It follows female code brokers in Bletchley Park in the second world war and gives an incredible insight into what it would have been like. Again, beautiful characters and relationships and just really well-written and engaging despite being a genre I wouldn’t normally read.
6. I am Pilgrim by Terry Hayes: It’s a very long (700+ pages) tome of a book but it is a-mazing. Definitely the best thriller I’ve ever read, really layered and complex but easy to read with short chapters so it feels like you fly through it. If spy thrillers are your thing, seriously, give this one a read!
7. Darling by India Knight: wonderful book. I took it on retreat and it was just the right mix of whimsical, beautiful, humorous and moving literature that I needed. Most enjoyable book to read this year I think.
8. Cleopatra and Frankenstein by Coco Mellors: there’s quite a lot of hype around this one (at least on my social media), but it seems to be quite a Marmite one! I really loved it. I loved the way it was written and the relationship between the characters. I couldn’t put it down.
9. All my Mothers by Joanna Glen: another book with a lot of hype! A beautiful beautiful beautiful book around female friendships and maternal relationships.
10. Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah: this is probably my favourite author at the moment and there were a number of books I could have recommended here. But I’ve gone for Firefly Lane. A brilliant book spanning decades of a female friendship.

So there you go. There were so many more books I could have added, and maybe I’ll wish I had included different ones in the future! I love being recommended books so please do let me know of a good book that you have read that you think I should read next year.

Have you read any of the books on my list? Do you agree or disagree with my choices?

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year…” yes it is a wonderful time of year, but it is potentially the most stressful. Now, life is stressful enough without adding a million things to our to-do list, with the dark evenings and freezing cold mornings. If anything, now is the time of year to give yourself some grace and ease your foot off the accelerator.

With that in mind, here are 10 things we don’t do anymore at Christmas time:

1. Send Christmas cards: 2 years ago I wrote 20 Christmas cards to 2-3 year old kids who can’t read. Why? Because everyone else did. We’ve not done Christmas cards generally for years now and I don’t regret it!
2. Buy presents for everyone: this year we’re doing Secret Santa with my family. It saves us from the mental load of thinking of presents and the financial load of buying them all! I know a lot of families do this, maybe it can become your tradition?
3. Christmas Eve boxes/Elf on the Shelf/elaborate Advent calendars: Christmas is overwhelming enough for us and the kids without adding more presents and expectations. No judgment at all if they are things you enjoy doing, just don’t feel you have to do it if everyone else is. I may get some PJs for the kids because I like the idea of them wearing nice new pyjamas on Christmas morning, because that is something that will bring me (and hopefully them) joy. Not just for the ‘gram.
4. Choose multiple types of present: last year when we were buying for my whole family, I decided to buy them all a book. Not the same book, but the same type of present. It eased my decision on what to buy and I just sourced them all secondhand off Vinted. Maybe one year you buy everyone experiences, or a jumper, or socks! Choose once then individualise. Also, would always advocate for secondhand gifts!
5. Visit Santa/Santa’s grotto: I know without us even having done it before that my kids would hate Santa! I just know it would be meltdown-central and I’m not here for that right now. The kids are at an age when they don’t know what they’re missing so thankfully there are no arguments here.
6. Elaborate Christmas lunch: Sam is very busy in the lead up to, and then working on, Christmas Day, so the day itself and Boxing Day are going to be as chilled as possible. Sam and I may have a small roast just the two of us, and the kids will probably have sandwiches as that is what they will eat. It will probably all be in front of the TV as that’s how we eat our meals. Then we’re seeing family the next few days which will be busy and filled with lots of food. Keeping things the same as possible as much as possible will help everyone on the days when things will inevitably be different.
7. Christmas fairs: crowded places with lots of things to look at are too overwhelming for our kids, so we give them a pass. This year I helped sticker a load of raffle prizes for the preschool stall in the lead up to the fair as I knew I wouldn’t make it on the day. It helped me feel involved and I was able to contribute to it running without being there on the day. Basically, there are other ways to help than being there at the event!
8. Buy all the Christmas food and things: we have a tree and decorations we use every year. I’m not making a wreath. We don’t like mince pies, Christmas cake or Christmas pudding particularly. I will be buying cranberry sauce despite being the only person who will eat it. We won’t be dressing our porch or covering the front of our house with lights. If you want to do these things because you enjoy them and they add something special to your Christmas, go for it! But don’t if you just feel like you “should”.
9. Multiple Christmas services: this one is particularly to the clergy families reading. You. Don’t. Have. To. Go. To. Every. Service. Lots of churches have services coming out of their ears at Christmas. There are Christingles, carol services, outside Nativities, inside Nativities, crib services, midnight masses, Christmas Day communions and Christmas Day family services. This year I’m hoping to take the girls to a crib service and us all to go to the family service on Christmas Day and that’s it. There will be Caleb’s school Nativity, but even that I’m holding very loosely. I love church, I do, but you can sing “Once in Royal David’s City” too many times.
10. Having high expectations: in my over 5 years of parenting, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt the hard way is to lower my expectations. This is from someone who naturally has quite high expectations. But Christmas (and life) with kids, whether they’re neurodivergent or not, rarely goes as you plan, or as you hope. So lower expectations can be more easily met and exceeded, bringing joy more easily. What do I mean by this? This year, it will be a win if we can get the kids into church on Christmas Day. If we stay for the whole service and have a great time, massive bonus! If we just get through the door, and last 5 minutes, that’s ok, we kept a tradition going and gave it a go. If I go in hoping we’ll have a wonderful time celebrating with our church family, singing songs and showing off presents, it will break my heart if/when one of the kids doesn’t want to participate at all or screams the room down. Hold things loosely and protect your heart.

I hope this doesn’t put a downer on Christmas but instead releases you from feeling any obligation to do particular things just because everyone else does. Christmas is the time to do what works for you as a family, couple or individual. And let’s stop putting so much pressure on this time of year being so magical. We can try to make it as magical as we can if it brings us joy, but we don’t have to! Christmas is special all on its own because it’s when Jesus came to Earth as a tiny baby to conquer death because of His great love for us. You can’t make it more magical than that.

Have a look at Motherkind and Anna Mathur on social media if this strikes a chord with you. They’re doing a lot of work this Christmas on lessening the load.