Just a few days after B & L turned three, they had their last ever breastfeed. I’m feeling a lot of feelings about it. I’m insanely proud to have fed twins for as long as I did, heartbroken that I’m never going to breastfeed a baby again and profoundly relieved that it’s over. Apart from a few months when I was pregnant with the twins, I had been breastfeeding continuously for 5 years. Now I feel like I’m stepping into a season of claiming my body back. I can now wear clothes that don’t have easy boob access! The girls are spending longer in nursery, C is now doing full time in school, I suddenly have more time and slightly more headspace to think about me and what I want to do with my life.
However, I’m also stepping into this season with a totally different body to before I had kids, with no sense of how to dress myself and only a little bit of a sense of who I actually am and what I actually want. I’m sure lots of mums/parents of tiny ones who are growing up can relate. So much of my focus has been on the next feed, on how to entertain/care for the kids, so much of my time has been taken up by them (and rightly so, as they are fully dependent on us as their parents!) It’s a bittersweet season to be stepping into as they don’t need us as much as they did, which is so freeing but also makes my heart ache for the baby stage.
Writing has always been the way I process my thoughts and try to figure out who I am, so this practice of frequently writing blog posts has been helpful for me. Often, if you read it, you’ll be hopping into my stream of consciousness which will have many twists and turns and the occasional waterfall, so hold on tight!
At the end of last year, I demarked this year as the year of claiming my body back from the season of early motherhood. I stopped breastfeeding, I had my ears re-pierced (they had closed up after years of not wearing earrings), you may remember I wrote a whole blog post on my love for running… Of course, life always gets in the way of these things and a knee injury and frequent illnesses have prevented me from running as much as I was planning and hoping to. I want to strive for health in the physical and mental sense (yes I’m aware I sound like my fitness watch) now that my body is my own again.
How to do this? I don’t fully know, and it will probably take time and much trial and error. But I’m game to squeeze as much as I can out of my “one wild and precious life”, so here goes.
Are you in a similar season? Have you already been in this season and have tips for me? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
There are some books (fiction and non-fiction) that have a lasting impact on your life once you’ve read them. One of those, as a Christian, is of course the Bible, but I’m not going to talk about that here. However, it has turned out that these are all books written by Christians and basically all of them are “Christian” books. Christian books are the non-fiction books I’m drawn to the most as I ride the rollercoaster that is a life of faith. I appreciate not everyone who reads this blog are of the Christian faith, but I hope you might find it an interesting read anyway!
Pure: Sex and Relationships God’s Way by Linda Marshall- there is a lot to be said about Christian purity culture, largely negative. However, when I read this book at the age of 20 after being in an on-off relationship with a non-Christian for years, I received the conviction I had been running away from our entire relationship. It gave me the courage and determination to leave what was, in retrospect, a pretty toxic relationship. It’s hard to describe to anyone who hasn’t experienced God speaking to them through what they read but one sentence jumped out to me like it was being shouted in my ears. That was all it took for me to make an ultimately life altering decision. I’ve never read the book since and I’m not sure I’d recommend it to anyone as I think it was quite condemning of certain relationships. But God used it anyway to change my life’s direction, so I’m profoundly grateful for it.
The Lazy Genius Way by Kendra Adachi– the one practical book on this list! I love this book, the podcast that accompanies it and the author who is hilarious, practical and so wise. Her mantra is “Be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don’t.” The book covers 13 principles which, instead of promising “life hacks” or supercharged productivity, help you manage your life and decisions you have to make kindly. These are the 13 principles:
Simple right? I highly recommend the book and her podcast for practical solutions to many different obstacles in life. You can apply the principles to anything in life, from wardrobe decluttering to moving house.
Crazy Love by Francis Chan– I think any millennial Christian will have read this book and recognise its impact. The incredible stories of people who have shown Jesus’ love so practically and powerfully are inspiring. I’ve read it multiple times and even now I’m thinking I want to read it again. Sometimes when your own faith is lacking, seeing how God is working in other people’s lives and seeing their strong faith can help stoke the dwindling flame of your own. Red Moon Rising and Dirty Glory by Pete Grieg are other examples of this for me.
Garden City by John Mark Comer– disclaimer: I’m a huge JMC fan so could probably list all his books here. However, Garden City is the first of his books that I read and I read it at a time I was feeling really stuck and bored in my job. It showed me that it didn’t matter what I did for work, be it a CEO, gardener or stay at home mum, I can do it all for God’s glory. Plus his teachings on Sabbath are so inspiring and convicting that, even though it seems almost impossible right now, both Sam and I really hope to instill it in our family in the future.
Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldridge– I don’t think there’s another book I’ve read that has so beautifully revealed Jesus as a real, breathing human being. It looks at the personality of Jesus shown through the Gospels and helps bring the stories to life. Occasionally it helps to have a different lens to read the Bible through when you’ve been reading it for years, and this book definitely provides that.
There are probably plenty more books I could add here (I haven’t even mentioned Sarah Bessey who has been a hugely comforting companion on my faith journey), and I’m sure there are more to be added in the future. But these are the ones I can think of right now!
Which books have changed your life? What other book themed posts are you interested in reading? Let me know!
Mustard Seed Autism Trust is a registered Charity providing support to autistic children, their parents and siblings. They provide occupational therapy, resources to help with social communication and emotional wellbeing and support groups and workshops for parents and siblings. Their services are constantly in high demand so their waiting list only opens very briefly several times a year. We were fortunate enough to be able to get Caleb on the waiting list last summer and he received an occupational therapy assessment, which included a school visit where the occupational therapist spoke to his teacher about ways to help him in school, and a 5-week block of one to one sessions on emotions and emotional wellbeing. These were provided for no cost to us at all. It’s a truly amazing charity.
It’s the five sessions on emotions, led by the wonderful Jen, that I’m going to be sharing about here… Before I get into it though, I wanted to ask for you to consider donating to Mustard Seed. As a charity, they rely on donations to carry out their work and, as I said above, their services are in very high demand. If 50 of you reading donated just £1, that would cover the cost of the resources for another child receieving emotional wellbeing sessions. You can donate here: https://www.peoplesfundraising.com/donation/emma-fundraises-for-mustard-seed. Thank you in advance! I also want to mention that I asked for the charity’s permission before writing this blog.
In the first week of the five sessions, we looked at regulated breathing, and how our breath can help us calm down. This involved blowing bubbles, blowing through straws, “blowing out” an LED candle and some calm breathing exercises.
These breathing exercises (shown on the cards in the photo) have been really helpful in regulating Caleb and I’ve used them several times since the session. Even if he doesn’t do the breathing “properly”, the act of following my finger as I make the shape of a star, for example, encourages him to focus and be present so calms him down.
Week 2’s focus was push and pull. These activities engage a sense of proprioception, or body awareness. Examples of activities were wall pushes, tug of war, tearing recycling and jumping on boxes. Caleb really enjoyed the less destructive activities, like the tug of war, and he often does heavy work like pushing tyres as part of some occupational therapy at school. However, when we ripped paper he wanted it to be put back together so that aspect wasn’t great for him. But some kids love it!
Week 3 was focussing on deep pressure. This included doing exercises with resistance bands (which Caleb loves doing anyway), a body sock, a therapy ball, and (the real kicker) a weighted blanket. We have been considering getting Caleb a weighted blanket for a while. When Jen encouraged Caleb to lie down on the blanket and she wrapped him in it, it was like calm descended on him. It was the calmest and stillest I have seen him in a long time, potentially ever. He clearly really enjoyed the pressure on his whole body and the peace it brought him. We’ve now invested in a weighted blanket for him and he sleeps with it. Whilst he normally spends hours jumping on the bed at bedtime, he now lies still, watches The Snail and the Whale a few times and then eventually switches off (still much later than we would like, but there has been an improvement).
If you are considering getting your child a weighted blanket, it mustn’t be much more than 10% of their body weight, as a safety measure.
Week 4 focused on busy hands. These are activities that keep the hands busy to calm the mind. In the session, this included popping bubble wrap, playing with fidget toys and (Caleb’s favourite) a rice bucket. For this activity, Jen had a small box filled with (uncooked) rice with a few small toys hidden inside. However, Caleb just really enjoyed the feel of the rice in his hands so he spent a good five minutes quietly playing with it. We’ve since filled a box at home with rice but the girls use it to “feed” each other… But at least it gets played with.
Week 5 was on den building. This was all about creating a safe, calming space for Caleb to hang out in. This could include blankets, colourful lights and gentle music. Jen brought out a sensory tent which is a fantastic small, dark tent with a slightly shiny interior. It is dark inside and when you also have some coloured lights in there, such as fibre optic lights, they reflect beautifully on the sides. We also put a lovely soft rug in there which Caleb was drawn to every session, and some fidget toys. This kept him quiet and calmly occupied until we needed to leave. Proper sensory tents are quite expensive, but I lucked out and got a small pop-up UV tent for free off Facebook. I’ve got a fibre optic lamp and I’ve managed to source the exact rug from the sessions off Vinted! You can see how the cost of fun sensory things can add up, thank goodness for DLA!
Every week, we did some animal walking/Mario Kart walking, i.e. walking about in the way we would imagine an animal or Mario Kart character would! This was Caleb’s favourite thing to do every week and he often asked me to film him in slow motion, which just added another level of fun. Moving and engaging his body in this way was a really fun tool to help Caleb regulate himself. It’s also a really easy, free thing to crack out when you can feel things getting tense!
There were various other games and resources we used each week which helped Caleb learn how to recognise and name different emotions. Some involved sorting images into categories of “happy” and “sad” and explaining why he made those decisions e.g. this one is sad because they are crying, this one is happy because they are smiling. He improved in this so well over the 5 week sessions, so at the end he could tell us of a time that he had felt sad, what had made him sad and how he had cried to express that sadness. This is huge for Caleb.
We also talked a lot about zones of regulation, which you may be familiar with if you have a child at school or work in a school. Jen made Caleb a wonderful chart including Yoshi because he’s in a Mario Kart phase at the moment and his cuddly Yoshi joined us at every session! Some children find it really useful to place their emotions into different colours, as a way to express simply how they are feeling. Caleb doesn’t find this that helpful at the moment but hopefully once he gets older, it will become a useful tool for him. Jen encouraged us to model how to use it, for example “I love it when you play with your sisters, that makes me feel really happy like green Yoshi/I’m feeling very tired and poorly today, like blue Yoshi”.
All in all, we learned an awful lot in five weeks and found some tools and strategies that can really help Caleb to regulate himself. Emotional dysregulation is a very common trait in autistic kids, but also lots of kids find it difficult to regulate their emotions, especially when they are young. So I really hope you find some of these ideas helpful and they help your child calm themselves too. Please can I ask you again to consider donating to Mustard Seed so that more children can gain access to this support: https://www.peoplesfundraising.com/donation/emma-fundraises-for-mustard-seed.
Is there anything specific you like to do with your child that helps them regulate or learn about their emotions? Let me know!
Other resources we used during the 5 sessions
These emotion stones were a really lovely tool to use by themselves or by pressing them into play dough.
This pineapple expressions game was a fun way to play with how a face might express emotions.
This emotions detective game was a fun way to learn about everyday conflicts, how they can make us feel and how to resolve them.
We used dominoes cards similar to these as a way to recognise and match up emotions.
This week marks our twins girls’ third birthday! I can’t believe that they’re no longer my babies but fully fledged preschoolers (though of course, they’ll always be my babies). It’s been a whirlwind three years, incredibly hard at times but also unspeakably beautiful.
There is nothing quite like raising multiples, and it’s difficult to convey exactly what it’s like to people who haven’t done it before. So I thought I would compile a list of things that twin parents would like to tell others about having twins. I asked friends and also a couple of twin parents’ Facebook groups to share and here’s what we came up with!
Starting off with some of my thoughts…
You just do it. So many people have asked me “How do you do it?” or said, “I couldn’t do it”. But, like everything in life, you just do it. You find what works best/what causes as little stress and you get on with it. I have (pre-twins) been one of those people who thought I couldn’t possibly handle twins. And yet here I am! Surviving and occasionally thriving.
It’s in equal parts hilarious, wonderful, and terrifying when they talk in their own language to each other, as you have no idea what they may be plotting!
The phrase “double trouble” really bugs me, but you do indeed get double of everything. Double the dirty nappies, double the sick, double the mess. But also double the joy, double the love, and double the fun.
It can be so difficult to see them as two different people at times, especially when they’re identical. But, of course, they have their own personalities, their own likes and dislikes, and their own strengths and weaknesses. The challenge to treat them as separate people when they’re always together is a big one!
Other twin parents’ thoughts*
It’s more than double the work of one, on less than half the sleep! But the way they cuddle each other makes it so worth it- Hannah
You’ll get stopped several times a day by people who want to tell you about their aunty’s cousin’s best friend who has twins- Emma S
Nobody told me how amazing it is! Seeing their bond strengthen, seeing them develop their personalities and them discovering the world together. It’s the greatest privilege- Ulrica
I didn’t realise how much of a people person you’ve got to be😂. I just want to push my pram and mind my own business 😅- Jess
You will probably have a lot of feelings about what you ‘thought’ life with a baby might look like. The same with birth and what that might have looked like in reality. And then more uncertainty about what the future looks like, especially in regards to more children and if that’s even a viable possibility- Emily
I love it when people who are twins are like “I’M A TWIN! I LOVE MY TWIN!” It’s so cute- Holly
Complete strangers will want to talk in graphic detail about your pregnancy/delivery and whether or not they’re IVF babies- Rebecca
Here’s the truth I’ve found…to be true, for me (with that cautious caveat, every family is different!): When they get to a certain age, having twins seems to be easier than having one. As my twins have grown from babies to toddlers to little kids, people have regularly commented “Wow! Twins? That must be hard?” but mine entertain each other. There’s that joke that mums never get to have a hot cup of tea but I often do. Of course, I play with them (I promise haha) but if they want to play they have a perfect playmate ready and waiting. They don’t constantly need me. And oh biscuits, am I grateful.- Sarah (@sarahclarkecelebrates on Insta, give her a follow for some wonderful twin content!)
You get so much attention when out with twins and mainly negative sounding comments – “you’ve got your hands full”, “I don’t know how you do it” and “double trouble”. They make me laugh because I think, you have no idea, my heart is fuller, I don’t have a choice but to do it and wouldn’t have it any other way and it’s double the joy. Yes, it’s not always easy but what toddler is! I’ve got a mug and it says ‘I’ve got twins. What’s your superpower?’ and as silly as that is, it sums up how life with twins feels perfectly. There’s a lot more going on in this world, so demands for snacks and requests for Peppa Pig twice over are more than manageable. Just got to keep that mug full of coffee 😅- Hels
They fight like absolute savages- April
You have such different relationships with each twin despite being twins. Maybe from a girl/boy perspective this is more? But raising a boy and a girl at the same time is wild.- Emily
The comparison starts almost as soon as they are born: “I cuddled this one whilst that one had to go to NICU, and now this one is making eye contact and smiling, whilst that one is still looking through me rather than at me…” And suddenly they are in school. That one is spectacular with reading, writing and counting, and has a gift for friendship-making, empathy and compassion. This one is still working out her place in school, still learning how to be a good friend, some days she tries really hard with her reading and counting but some days she isn’t bothered at all. Are they different because of me? Did I do something right with That One that I forgot to do with This One? Or, worse, did I do something wrong with This One that That One managed to escape. When they were babies, we chose what was right for them together as a pair. When to wean them, when to potty train them. They just hit those milestones together. Now we are navigating them discovering their own unique personalities and interests, and making decisions with and for them that are right for each individual child, not forgetting that they have a very special, unique relationship with their twin and a very special, unique identity as a twin. Ultimately I believe that actually, I wasn’t given two blank human babies to unfold. I was gifted two intended, wonderfully designed, and cleverly created babies by the King of the Universe, who loves them and knows them. Trusting him with them is the best way I can grow as their mum.- Lucy
Does anything here surprise you? Maybe it’s encouraged you to speak differently to twin parents you see. Maybe it’s shown you that parenting twins isn’t (only) the chaos you assume it is. Maybe it’s revealed the challenges of having twins, so you’re inspired to reach out to people you know who have them. I’d love to know what you think.
*I have edited some of these for clarity and conciseness and changed some names.
Emma Dinsmore 