The story began in darkness, before God spoke the word and then there was light.
Before the Fall’s fail and the flood’s might.
Before He was placed in a virgin’s womb, the story was written of His empty tomb.

The years preceding were simply leading to that inevitable end.
When the Lord would face darkness, death and pain, for the rupture He was sent to mend.
He begged and pleaded of His Heavenly Father to take this cup from Him.
But total surrender was the only answer to save us from our sin.

Then long was the journey of humiliation and pain to reach the rugged cross,
Where the King of Kings was beaten and mocked, spat at and treated as dross.
Still as He hung on that wretched tree, His posture was of grace and love,
Promising the thief hanging beside Him of Paradise up above.

Then dark was the sky, the rocks broke apart, the curtain in the temple was torn.
The disciples scattered, the guards shaken, the women at the cross forlorn.
God’s own heart was broken as He sent His Son to the fiery pit of Hell.
The story felt over, ended, finished, the credits’ music began to swell.

Then morning came on the third day, unassuming and covered in grief.
Mary Magdalene strode down to the tomb, to anoint, to mourn, to weep.
But wait… there lies the stone, rolled away from the mouth of the grave…
Mary looks in to an empty tomb, her shock giving way to pain.

Through tears she stumbles out of the dark and falls to the ground, distraught.
She lifts her head and sees a man, the gardener, she first thought.
“Why are you crying?” he asks her, and she begs him on her knees,
“Where have you taken my Lord? Tell me and I’ll go get him”, she pleas.

Then, “Mary” this man responds and the scales fall from her eyes.
It is Him, her Lord, her Jesus, gloriously risen back to life.
She runs to Him and clings to Him, “Teacher!” she cries.
He sends her out to tell others the gospel that transforms lives.

The gospel of grace to the human race from a kind and merciful God.
The promise of eternity lived with Him in His all consuming love.
While we are here in this broken world surrounded by evil and fear,
Because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, we can know that God is near.

Now here we are two millennia later and this story is still being told.
Its message of hope, of renewal and redemption will never fade or grow old.
Until we stand with the angels in Heaven, no longer in pain or in need,
We will stand here on Earth and boldly proclaim “He is risen! He is risen indeed!”

Hallelujah!

Life as a grown up is hard, right? There are bills to pay, there’s washing to be done, the kitchen always needs cleaning and you may also have tiny humans (and/or furry animals) to keep alive. We could all do with a little less stress in our lives.

As I write this, I am keenly aware that it is coming from a place of great privilege. Not everyone can afford to do these things. But if you can afford it, here are some things we do to make our lives easier.

• Upstairs/downstairs: now you might not live in a big, draughty rectory like us but you still may find it helpful to have upstairs and downstairs things. For example, we have an upstairs changing mat and a downstairs one, upstairs nappies and downstairs nappies, I’ve just purchased downstairs toothbrushes for the kids to see if that helps us to actually brush their teeth in the mornings (please tell me we’re not the only ones who struggle with this??), I even have upstairs and downstairs books (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it). Not having to trek all the way upstairs/downstairs when you need something saves time and stress.
• Asda delivery: we have our groceries delivered to us once or twice a week. Yes we have to pay and it’s probably a bit more expensive than Aldi or Lidl, but since it would be a ten minute drive to get to those shops, we choose convenience over cost. As I said before, we have that choice and not everyone does, I’m grateful we can sacrifice some money to save some time.
• Buy presents and cards at the beginning of the year: I did this for our son’s Reception class after hearing it recommended on a podcast. I got a delivery from The Works of some book bundles (they do 10 books for £10) and a few crafty items in August and stuffed them all in a box. Then, each time there’s a birthday party (sometimes once a week, that kid’s social calendar is busier than mine), I just get out a couple of presents, and ask my son to choose which one to give to the friend. Saves trekking to the shops each time, was nice and cheap and prevented an overwhelm of choice. I also bought a multi pack of birthday cards for the same reason.
• Hello Fresh: we were getting bored of eating the same as the kids (sausages/pesto pasta/jacket potato on repeat), but we always struggled to decide what to cook. In walks Hello Fresh. We get 3 meals a week and it’s honestly so nice to eat proper grown up food that’s different every week. Plus if you have Amazon Prime, you get free delivery for a year.
• A cleaner: OK so this one can be difficult for some people because of the cost, but now we’ve had a cleaner I’m never going back. She comes for 3-4 hours once a fortnight and deep cleans the bathrooms and kitchen, changes our bedsheets, occasionally puts a wash on and is an all round angel. Worth her weight in gold. She is our 3rd cleaner after the first 2 didn’t work out for separate reasons (I didn’t murder them…) and we’ve definitely got lucky the third time. If you’re going to be shelling out for a cleaner you have to be happy with the work they do and the attitude they bring to your home, otherwise it’s not worth the money!
• Ask for and accept help: I’ve been getting better at this over the years as our need for help has increased, even if I’m asking through tears! It may be asking our parents for a bit of financial help to make it through until pay day, or letting other people do some washing for us, or asking to borrow a fan in a heatwave. But also, if someone offers help but you don’t think it would be helpful, you can say thanks but no thanks! You don’t have to accept help when someone offers it unless you genuinely think what they are offering would help you. Let people in and let them help you carry the load that is life.

What are things you and your family do to make your life easier? Please share!

This week I took myself off for a quiet morning at Saint Columba’s House in Woking. It had been rescheduled once and it couldn’t have come at a better time. It feels like I’ve been carrying a lot lately, with even just the week leading up to the retreat being full of stress. To top things off, on the day itself, one of the twins was ill so both of them ended up staying at home with my husband instead of going to preschool. So I was going in feeling like I had a lot to process and feeling a mixed bag of emotions.

When I first arrived, I was given a short tour then taken to the small room which would be mine for the duration of my visit. There were bookcases filled with study, devotion and reference books, three chairs and a comfy sofa with huge cushions. I settled myself in, took my shoes off to make myself comfortable, sat back on the sofa and nestled my feet into the soft, thick rug. For the first time in a while I just sat there, not doing anything. Having time away in a different place means that you can just sit there as there is nothing for you to do. At home there are constant demands, even if the kids aren’t there. There is washing to be done, a dishwasher to be emptied, clothes to be put away, bins to be taken out. Away from home, those obligations aren’t there, whispering to you, so you can sit and totally shut off. So that’s what I did for about 5 minutes, and I felt a weight lift off me just by doing that.

I had come armed with my Bible, journal and a couple of books but I was really hoping to find a resource to guide my thinking during the morning. Thankfully, due to sheer luck (aka God’s provision), amongst the hundreds of books on the bookcase next to me, I spotted Creative Ideas for Quiet Days by Sue Pickering. It’s really intended for group, corporate retreats, but I was able to use it for my own personal time. There were several themed days offered in the book with some liturgy, Bible readings, talks and activities for each one.

After picking a theme and reading through the liturgy, the Bible reading and the short talks, I turned to my journal to complete some of the activities. One activity encouraged me to make a timeline of transitions I have been through in my life and note where God had been at work each time. This was actually very moving as I noted down all the different places I’ve lived and the many friendships and accomplishments I’ve collected along the way. Of course I included my husband, my children and my closest friends but also the fruit that was revealed in each area, like getting my degree, discovering some gifts and receiving support for our son. The timeline clearly illuminated all the ways God had been faithful throughout my life, no matter where in the world I was, what I was doing or who I was with. It’s often only in hindsight that we can really see God’s faithfulness and how He actually was with us in those dark times where we couldn’t see Him or didn’t know what He was up to. It made me think of a song that has been resounding in my mind for weeks, particularly this verse:

I’ve still got joy in chaos
I’ve got peace that makes no sense
So I won’t be going under
I’m not held by my own strength
‘Cause I’ve built my life on Jesus
He’s never let me down
He’s faithful in every season
So why would He fail now?
He won’t (Firm Foundation by Maverick City Music)

Looking back, I can see how trustworthy and faithful God has been. So when I’m looking forward into the unknown, I need to hold onto that knowledge and trust that He never changes so He will do the same again. Easier said than done, I know, and I often fail. But God knows that, so He can remind us how He’s carried us in the past. That’s part of the reason why I love having a journal, as any day of the week I can flick back through it and see how things have changed, prayers that have been answered and mysteries that have been revealed.

I’m a big fan of writing out my thoughts to help make sense of them, clear the chaff and have realisations I can’t get from working things through in my head. However I so rarely have the time to commit to do this properly in a focused way. The time alone on retreat was perfect for this and I left feeling more clarity and peace in my heart, even without knowing what our future holds.

I also visited the wonderful oratory chapel at the retreat centre which has beautiful acoustics and was a wonderful place to sing to God by myself.

The final aspect of my quiet morning I just want to touch on is the conversation I had with a spiritual director. A spiritual director, according to the Exeter Diocese, is an individual who accompanies someone else on a journey to a deeper relationship with God. They provide a confidential listening ear, as well as prayer, encouragement and guidance in the life-long journey of spiritual maturity. I only had a short 30 minute discussion with the spiritual director, but it was helpful for a number of reasons, not least to be able to offload to someone not emotionally connected to us or our situation in any way but who nevertheless understood the situation, and understood terms like “curacy” and “diocese” without them needing explanation. It was all totally confidential and I was able to be open and honest about my relationship with God free from judgement and unwarranted advice (because her advice was very warranted!) One thing she recommended was getting my own spiritual director in the future who I could regularly see, which is something I’ve been considering anyway. Like any relationship, sometimes our relationship with God needs help along the way, and spiritual directors can journey with you in that.

I’ve been fortunate enough to visit a few retreat centres and Saint Columba’s House is definitely one of the more modern ones and I’d say felt slightly more corporate. However, that did not get in the way of me meeting with God! My quiet morning at Saint Columba’s was on a donation only basis (I bought a book from them which was £18), but most retreat centres do charge, especially if you’re staying the night.

So there is the (rather thorough) lowdown of the wonderful few hours I spent on retreat. I would highly recommend retreats to any Christian but especially if you are going through a tough time or are facing a difficult decision or transition. Life is so busy that it is sometimes necessary to carve out time to remove yourself from your daily life and go and sit somewhere with God for a bit.

Here are the retreat places I’ve visited and would recommend:

Saint Columba’s House, Woking

The Greenhouse Christian Centre, Poole

Stanton House, Oxford

The House of Bread, Cotswolds

• Motherhood is finding crumbs in your coat pockets, pen marks on your jeans and small toy whales in your washing machine.
• Motherhood is wearing many hats, be it chef, referee, wardrobe department or nurse.
• Motherhood is getting up and doing it every single day, no matter how much you slept (or didn’t) or your health (or lack of).
• Motherhood is kitchen discos, sloppy kisses, playing shop and dressing up.
• Motherhood is also making endless lunches, wiping bottoms, tidying up toys and washing clothes, lots of clothes.
• Motherhood is glorious glimmers of pure joy nestled within hours and hours of mundanity.
• Motherhood is feeling your heart sing as you watch your child play and chat to herself, or when they finally conquer their fear.
• Motherhood is grieving the younger versions of your child who you loved so much and will never see again.
• Motherhood is trying to get water and vegetables into your child while you exist on Diet Coke and Haribo.
• Motherhood is buying your child a new wardrobe every season while you’re wearing 5 year old leggings with holes in the crotch.
• Motherhood is feeling crushingly lonely one minute and touched out and overstimulated the next.
• Motherhood is conjuring up activities out of thin air like a magician and using all that’s available around you to bring ideas to life.
• Motherhood is finding them the most annoying beings on the planet, then when they’re asleep cooing over photos of them on your phone.
• Motherhood is being proud of your child for the tiniest thing, like saying a word properly, while also being sad that you won’t hear them say it again.
• Motherhood is inventing new swear words to censor what you want to say (fish cakes, sugar cubes and fouch are some of mine).
• Motherhood is nevertheless muttering “f********ck” under your breath when nothing else will do.
• Motherhood begins when they are growing inside you and never ends, not even when your child is a mother herself.
• So to all you mothers who give it all, do it all, aren’t sure if you can actually have it all… You’re doing an amazing job and you are your children’s all

It’s World Book Day and the twins have pulled most of the books off our shelves to lie on the floor for my viewing pleasure. As I can see so many of them, I thought I’d do a low down on some of my favourite (young) children’s books. Both that my kids really love and those I enjoy reading to them.

The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler- no list of children’s books would be complete without a few Julia Donaldsons. The Snail and the Whale is a firm favourite in our house, largely in part to a whale being a main character and my son’s special interest is sea creatures. But I also love reading it, and the BBC adaptation of it is really lovely. See also: The Smartest Giant in Town– my husband came to know it off by heart because the kids requested it every night for months!

I want my hat back by Jon Klassen- I think the first reason we got into this was because of Romesh Ranganathan’s CBeebies bedtime story. Caleb found it hilarious and it’s so much fun to read that now it’s a family favourite. Funny for the kids and the grown ups (because there are bits the kids miss).

Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes by Mem Fox and Helen Oxenbury- a classic in my mind. I loved reading this to my kids when they were babies. I really enjoy how it portrays all these different babies from around the world and how they are ultimately all the same. Plus the illustrations are incredibly sweet.

Barefoot books by various- our eldest’s preschool read/sang these books and they are wonderful. They’re basically rhymes/songs but really imaginative and fun. You can find the videos of them on YouTube so you can learn the tunes, they’re pretty simple. Our favourites include A Hole in the Bottom of the Sea and We all go Travelling By. I’m pretty sure watching the videos with the words helped our son learn how to read.

Tales from Acorn Wood (series) by Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler- the beauty of Donaldson’s words and Scheffler’s illustrations, with flaps!! What could be better? All of our versions of these books get steadily destroyed because they are read so often. The stories are really simple and easy for the kids to follow along.

That’s not my… books by Fiona Watt and Rachel Wells – of course. But not just for babies. The simple structure introduces young kids to adjectives and are still enjoyable years on! We have so many, my kids love them.

What are your favourite kids books?

When you’re waiting for the phone to ring with news, whether it’s test results, the outcome of an interview, an update on a relative’s health or something as mundane as what you should buy for dinner, you’re living in a kind of limbo. I’m currently in that limbo as I wait to hear the result of an interview and I feel like I’ve been living in that limbo for over a month now. The limbo of “something is about to happen that could change my life even minutely and it may have already been decided but no one has told me yet”. It’s a funny, unsettling kind of feeling in that there are two (or more!) parallel universes (or timelines) depending on the outcome of that phone call. Your life could go down any of them but you don’t know which and you have no idea what the future holds in any of them. So what do you do? I know what I do… I think of what I should do if this happens, but then worry that I haven’t thought about what to do if that happens, until I eventually throw everything up in the air and decide “we’ll cross that bridge if/when we come to it”. This is generally my husband’s influence, but I am a forward thinker and planner. It makes me anxious not knowing what is going to happen.

Earlier this week I was on retreat. I’d never done it before and it was a really special time of deepening my relationship with God. I went largely with the intention of discerning where God was leading me, hoping to come away with a clear picture of a job role (there’s me even forward planning what the creator of the universe is going to say… Oops). Of course, God did nothing of the sort because he was working on his agenda and not mine. What he did speak to me about was trust.

Trust is something that I think I’m good at but actually I’m really not. Whether it’s trusting God, trusting people in relationships or even trusting myself, things get in the way. This may be largely down to past experiences but could also be down to my pride of thinking I’m the one who can do this better and I’m worried about what you’d do if I left it up to you. I’m sure (and hope!) I’m not alone in this…

In my journey with God recently this has looked like saying I trust him, that he is a faithful God (which he is) and that he has a plan (which he does), but then second guessing him when things start to happen. “What if they offer me this job, I don’t really want it, but am I meant to take it?!” “What if I say yes to this job and it’s completely the wrong thing and I regret it every day?!” “What if they don’t offer me this job?? I’m never going to find another job I want to do again!” See, it’s stressful being me.

This is not trusting God!! Trusting God is letting go, taking a breath and waiting for it to unfold. Trusting God is waiting for him to speak to you, giving him the time to and zoning yourself out. Trusting God is hard, counterintuitive and countercultural. Our culture is all about trusting yourself, listening to yourself and “following your own bliss”. I’m choosing to trust in a being I can’t see and sometimes doubt the existence of. Even as Christians, we’ve got to admit that’s a bit crazy.

But something God has reminded me this week (and yes, what I did need reminding) is that he is real, and if he is real, then he has a plan, yes, but more than that, if he is real then what have I to fear? “The Lord [my] God is with [me], the mighty warrior who saves.” (Zeph 3:17). Even the darkness is not dark to him (Psalm 139:12). I’m not going to lie, sometimes I will forget this, sometimes I will fail to see him, sometimes I will think I know best.

But if God is real and he is who he says he is, then he is not only worthy of all praise and honour and glory, but he is worthy of my trust. So I’m sitting here in this limbo, waiting for the phone to ring, knowing that God has given me a good feeling about this one but also not holding too tightly. So if I get it, he is good and he is faithful and he has a plan. If I don’t, he is good and he is faithful and he has a plan.

“The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:14). So, I will
be still and know that he is God (Psalm 46:10) and he is with me. He is good and his plans are to prosper me, not to harm me; to give me a hope and a future (Jer 29:11). If I would only trust in him and not myself, he will make my paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6) Whether I get a job now or it’s back to the drawing board, I will rest in this knowledge and trust that this season will, like so many before it, become testimony to God’s unfailing love.