I don’t think there’s a parent alive who has never had a crisis of confidence at one point or another. There’s definitely never been a home educator who hasn’t had a crisis of confidence in home educating at some point (colloquially called “the wobbles” in the home ed circuit). An element of humility is of course essential in life, even more so when dealing with young, unpredictable, chaotic little people. But when those crises of confidence hit, it can be crushing.

If you’re new here, (hi!) I’m Emma, mum to 3 wonderful children aged 7, 5 and 5, who are all autistic. We are “currently” home educating all three as mainstream school did not work for them and we are waiting for the right school placements. The quotation marks are because “currently” implies that you may do something different in the future, and that is the hope. But it is becoming increasingly apparent that, because of the long waitlist for basically every single special school in the country, there is a chance that we could be home educating for a few more years yet and, with the possible SEND reforms coming in, our children may not qualify for a special school in the future.

It was not initially the plan to home educate. It then became the plan to home educate for the interim until special school places were found. That is still the plan but, where we thought it may be for a year or two, we’re potentially looking at many more years of home educating. THIS was not the plan. I look around at our life and our attempts to home educate and the crisis of confidence hits. This isn’t sustainable. It’s not sustainable now and it definitely won’t be for years on end. But currently, there is no other option, and therein lies the panic.

It’s not just the fact that being around your kids 24/7 is A LOT. It’s also that I worry I’m not doing enough. All. The. Time. Our kids all run a mile from any kind of formal learning and they won’t do anything unless they see a purpose for it (e.g. I tried to get the girls to try to write their names in the early days and they refused as there was no point to it, apart from practising writing their names). This means we have to be creative and crafty at sneaking in elements of the education we want to (and feel like we should) give them.

What does this look like? It looks like jumping on their special interests and providing them with resources to explore them more (like books, toys, videos, crafts etc). It does not look like sitting down at a table going through a workbook. So I’m sure, to some, it looks like we’re doing “nothing”, and certainly when I try to explain our methods, it can definitely feel like it’s not enough. But you try your hardest with what you’re given and hope that the tiny moments of… “Oh look, you have three lions, how many do you have if we add one more?” and “Would you like to write a story about a Compsognathus on Minecraft?” will teach the kids the basic numeracy and literacy skills they need.

It never feels like enough, and I can get so frustrated when any attempts at formal learning get shouted out. It also doesn’t help that social media (including the home ed community) has so many ✨ opinions ✨ on education and schooling. Even other home educators would tell me I’m not doing enough, and others would encourage me to “just let them play!” (which I often end up doing). It’s rare you’ll find another person who does it exactly how you do it. And that’s probably a good thing, as every child is individual and has individual needs. But it can make it feel like a lonely place.

Another place where I have been having frequent crises of confidence recently is in parenting. Like I said before, this is a really normal thing, but when you have kids with SEND and are therefore possibly parenting differently to the mainstream, the crises come in thick and fast. We’re still having issues with toileting, which is a phase of parenting I thought we’d be through by now. Also one kid in particular was limiting their already very limited diet so it was not including any fruit or vegetables at all. Obviously one of the most fundamental parts of being a parent is feeding your children in a way they can be healthy. For a while, we were up against a barrier that felt impossible to overcome. Thankfully, they will now eat strawberries and baked beans alongside their other beige foods, but still, that’s it.

We are thankfully having some help from an OT (occupational therapist) who has been coming to our house each week to help with emotional regulation strategies, eating, toileting, sleeping etc. She’s wonderful and does an amazing job, but whenever we try to implement the strategies she suggests, we are often greeted with shouting, tears and flat out refusal. We are pretty sure the twins have a PDA profile (Pathological Demand Avoidance or Persistent Drive for Autonomy if you want it to sound less murder-y). This means that any request for them to do anything has to be phrased delicately, or they simply won’t do it. Or, they will have an explosive meltdown. The fact that they do not respond in the way the OT is suggesting they should/will can just make you think “Am I doing this all wrong? Is it actually that I’m just really bad at this?” or, even more damning, “Has the way we’ve parented them made them like this? Is this all our fault?” And what doesn’t help is that there will be people (possibly even some of you reading this) that will say “Yes. It is actually your fault.” since we do not parent in a mainstream way. We try to be as low demand as possible, we do not limit screen time at all, they are allowed to eat their dinner on the floor, they are allowed to just wear pants all day and they will not be told off for having big feelings. Obviously these are small examples but there is an undercurrent of us not expecting our children to do things we do not feel they are able to do and we are happy for them to do the things they need to to be able to cope in this world.

I’m not writing this in the hope that I’ll be met with a chorus of “You’re a great mum! You’re doing a great job!” because, honestly, unless you’re with us every single second of every day, you have no idea. I’m writing it to hopefully offer solidarity and comfort to those other parents who may also frequently have crises of confidence. I try to hold onto the idea that a crisis in confidence is there to teach us something. That maybe we need to rethink how we are doing something, or our perspective on something. Maybe, yes, there is something you could be doing better. Or (and this is most likely the case), could it be that your expectations of yourself and your kids could do with being lowered. Then lowered again. And again.

I don’t know. I’m in the middle of it all now and it’s not easy. But when I do feel the wobbles in home educating and parenting, I try to remind myself that there is no lack of love, affection, laughter, play, silliness, creativity or inquisitiveness in our home. And that is a good place to be.