Life as a grown up is hard, right? There are bills to pay, there’s washing to be done, the kitchen always needs cleaning and you may also have tiny humans (and/or furry animals) to keep alive. We could all do with a little less stress in our lives.
As I write this, I am keenly aware that it is coming from a place of great privilege. Not everyone can afford to do these things. But if you can afford it, here are some things we do to make our lives easier.
Upstairs/downstairs: now you might not live in a big, draughty rectory like us but you still may find it helpful to have upstairs and downstairs things. For example, we have an upstairs changing mat and a downstairs one, upstairs nappies and downstairs nappies, I’ve just purchased downstairs toothbrushes for the kids to see if that helps us to actually brush their teeth in the mornings (please tell me we’re not the only ones who struggle with this??), I even have upstairs and downstairs books (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it). Not having to trek all the way upstairs/downstairs when you need something saves time and stress.
Asda delivery: we have our groceries delivered to us once or twice a week. Yes we have to pay and it’s probably a bit more expensive than Aldi or Lidl, but since it would be a ten minute drive to get to those shops, we choose convenience over cost. As I said before, we have that choice and not everyone does, I’m grateful we can sacrifice some money to save some time.
Buy presents and cards at the beginning of the year: I did this for our son’s Reception class after hearing it recommended on a podcast. I got a delivery from The Works of some book bundles (they do 10 books for £10) and a few crafty items in August and stuffed them all in a box. Then, each time there’s a birthday party (sometimes once a week, that kid’s social calendar is busier than mine), I just get out a couple of presents, and ask my son to choose which one to give to the friend. Saves trekking to the shops each time, was nice and cheap and prevented an overwhelm of choice. I also bought a multi pack of birthday cards for the same reason.
Hello Fresh: we were getting bored of eating the same as the kids (sausages/pesto pasta/jacket potato on repeat), but we always struggled to decide what to cook. In walks Hello Fresh. We get 3 meals a week and it’s honestly so nice to eat proper grown up food that’s different every week. Plus if you have Amazon Prime, you get free delivery for a year.
A cleaner: OK so this one can be difficult for some people because of the cost, but now we’ve had a cleaner I’m never going back. She comes for 3-4 hours once a fortnight and deep cleans the bathrooms and kitchen, changes our bedsheets, occasionally puts a wash on and is an all round angel. Worth her weight in gold. She is our 3rd cleaner after the first 2 didn’t work out for separate reasons (I didn’t murder them…) and we’ve definitely got lucky the third time. If you’re going to be shelling out for a cleaner you have to be happy with the work they do and the attitude they bring to your home, otherwise it’s not worth the money!
Ask for and accept help: I’ve been getting better at this over the years as our need for help has increased, even if I’m asking through tears! It may be asking our parents for a bit of financial help to make it through until pay day, or letting other people do some washing for us, or asking to borrow a fan in a heatwave. But also, if someone offers help but you don’t think it would be helpful, you can say thanks but no thanks! You don’t have to accept help when someone offers it unless you genuinely think what they are offering would help you. Let people in and let them help you carry the load that is life.
What are things you and your family do to make your life easier? Please share!
This week I took myself off for a quiet morning at Saint Columba’s House in Woking. It had been rescheduled once and it couldn’t have come at a better time. It feels like I’ve been carrying a lot lately, with even just the week leading up to the retreat being full of stress. To top things off, on the day itself, one of the twins was ill so both of them ended up staying at home with my husband instead of going to preschool. So I was going in feeling like I had a lot to process and feeling a mixed bag of emotions.
When I first arrived, I was given a short tour then taken to the small room which would be mine for the duration of my visit. There were bookcases filled with study, devotion and reference books, three chairs and a comfy sofa with huge cushions. I settled myself in, took my shoes off to make myself comfortable, sat back on the sofa and nestled my feet into the soft, thick rug. For the first time in a while I just sat there, not doing anything. Having time away in a different place means that you can just sit there as there is nothing for you to do. At home there are constant demands, even if the kids aren’t there. There is washing to be done, a dishwasher to be emptied, clothes to be put away, bins to be taken out. Away from home, those obligations aren’t there, whispering to you, so you can sit and totally shut off. So that’s what I did for about 5 minutes, and I felt a weight lift off me just by doing that.
I had come armed with my Bible, journal and a couple of books but I was really hoping to find a resource to guide my thinking during the morning. Thankfully, due to sheer luck (aka God’s provision), amongst the hundreds of books on the bookcase next to me, I spotted Creative Ideas for Quiet Days by Sue Pickering. It’s really intended for group, corporate retreats, but I was able to use it for my own personal time. There were several themed days offered in the book with some liturgy, Bible readings, talks and activities for each one.
After picking a theme and reading through the liturgy, the Bible reading and the short talks, I turned to my journal to complete some of the activities. One activity encouraged me to make a timeline of transitions I have been through in my life and note where God had been at work each time. This was actually very moving as I noted down all the different places I’ve lived and the many friendships and accomplishments I’ve collected along the way. Of course I included my husband, my children and my closest friends but also the fruit that was revealed in each area, like getting my degree, discovering some gifts and receiving support for our son. The timeline clearly illuminated all the ways God had been faithful throughout my life, no matter where in the world I was, what I was doing or who I was with. It’s often only in hindsight that we can really see God’s faithfulness and how He actually was with us in those dark times where we couldn’t see Him or didn’t know what He was up to. It made me think of a song that has been resounding in my mind for weeks, particularly this verse:
I’ve still got joy in chaos I’ve got peace that makes no sense So I won’t be going under I’m not held by my own strength ‘Cause I’ve built my life on Jesus He’s never let me down He’s faithful in every season So why would He fail now? He won’t (Firm Foundation by Maverick City Music)
Looking back, I can see how trustworthy and faithful God has been. So when I’m looking forward into the unknown, I need to hold onto that knowledge and trust that He never changes so He will do the same again. Easier said than done, I know, and I often fail. But God knows that, so He can remind us how He’s carried us in the past. That’s part of the reason why I love having a journal, as any day of the week I can flick back through it and see how things have changed, prayers that have been answered and mysteries that have been revealed.
I’m a big fan of writing out my thoughts to help make sense of them, clear the chaff and have realisations I can’t get from working things through in my head. However I so rarely have the time to commit to do this properly in a focused way. The time alone on retreat was perfect for this and I left feeling more clarity and peace in my heart, even without knowing what our future holds.
I also visited the wonderful oratory chapel at the retreat centre which has beautiful acoustics and was a wonderful place to sing to God by myself.
The final aspect of my quiet morning I just want to touch on is the conversation I had with a spiritual director. A spiritual director, according to the Exeter Diocese, is an individual who accompanies someone else on a journey to a deeper relationship with God. They provide a confidential listening ear, as well as prayer, encouragement and guidance in the life-long journey of spiritual maturity. I only had a short 30 minute discussion with the spiritual director, but it was helpful for a number of reasons, not least to be able to offload to someone not emotionally connected to us or our situation in any way but who nevertheless understood the situation, and understood terms like “curacy” and “diocese” without them needing explanation. It was all totally confidential and I was able to be open and honest about my relationship with God free from judgement and unwarranted advice (because her advice was very warranted!) One thing she recommended was getting my own spiritual director in the future who I could regularly see, which is something I’ve been considering anyway. Like any relationship, sometimes our relationship with God needs help along the way, and spiritual directors can journey with you in that.
I’ve been fortunate enough to visit a few retreat centres and Saint Columba’s House is definitely one of the more modern ones and I’d say felt slightly more corporate. However, that did not get in the way of me meeting with God! My quiet morning at Saint Columba’s was on a donation only basis (I bought a book from them which was £18), but most retreat centres do charge, especially if you’re staying the night.
So there is the (rather thorough) lowdown of the wonderful few hours I spent on retreat. I would highly recommend retreats to any Christian but especially if you are going through a tough time or are facing a difficult decision or transition. Life is so busy that it is sometimes necessary to carve out time to remove yourself from your daily life and go and sit somewhere with God for a bit.
Here are the retreat places I’ve visited and would recommend:
Motherhood is finding crumbs in your coat pockets, pen marks on your jeans and small toy whales in your washing machine.
Motherhood is wearing many hats, be it chef, referee, wardrobe department or nurse.
Motherhood is getting up and doing it every single day, no matter how much you slept (or didn’t) or your health (or lack of).
Motherhood is kitchen discos, sloppy kisses, playing shop and dressing up.
Motherhood is also making endless lunches, wiping bottoms, tidying up toys and washing clothes, lots of clothes.
Motherhood is glorious glimmers of pure joy nestled within hours and hours of mundanity.
Motherhood is feeling your heart sing as you watch your child play and chat to herself, or when they finally conquer their fear.
Motherhood is grieving the younger versions of your child who you loved so much and will never see again.
Motherhood is trying to get water and vegetables into your child while you exist on Diet Coke and Haribo.
Motherhood is buying your child a new wardrobe every season while you’re wearing 5 year old leggings with holes in the crotch.
Motherhood is feeling crushingly lonely one minute and touched out and overstimulated the next.
Motherhood is conjuring up activities out of thin air like a magician and using all that’s available around you to bring ideas to life.
Motherhood is finding them the most annoying beings on the planet, then when they’re asleep cooing over photos of them on your phone.
Motherhood is being proud of your child for the tiniest thing, like saying a word properly, while also being sad that you won’t hear them say it again.
Motherhood is inventing new swear words to censor what you want to say (fish cakes, sugar cubes and fouch are some of mine).
Motherhood is nevertheless muttering “f********ck” under your breath when nothing else will do.
Motherhood begins when they are growing inside you and never ends, not even when your child is a mother herself.
So to all you mothers who give it all, do it all, aren’t sure if you can actually have it all… You’re doing an amazing job and you are your children’s all
It’s World Book Day and the twins have pulled most of the books off our shelves to lie on the floor for my viewing pleasure. As I can see so many of them, I thought I’d do a low down on some of my favourite (young) children’s books. Both that my kids really love and those I enjoy reading to them.
The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler- no list of children’s books would be complete without a few Julia Donaldsons. The Snail and the Whale is a firm favourite in our house, largely in part to a whale being a main character and my son’s special interest is sea creatures. But I also love reading it, and the BBC adaptation of it is really lovely. See also: The Smartest Giant in Town– my husband came to know it off by heart because the kids requested it every night for months!
I want my hat back by Jon Klassen- I think the first reason we got into this was because of Romesh Ranganathan’s CBeebies bedtime story. Caleb found it hilarious and it’s so much fun to read that now it’s a family favourite. Funny for the kids and the grown ups (because there are bits the kids miss).
Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes by Mem Fox and Helen Oxenbury- a classic in my mind. I loved reading this to my kids when they were babies. I really enjoy how it portrays all these different babies from around the world and how they are ultimately all the same. Plus the illustrations are incredibly sweet.
Barefoot books by various- our eldest’s preschool read/sang these books and they are wonderful. They’re basically rhymes/songs but really imaginative and fun. You can find the videos of them on YouTube so you can learn the tunes, they’re pretty simple. Our favourites include A Hole in the Bottom of the Sea and We all go Travelling By. I’m pretty sure watching the videos with the words helped our son learn how to read.
Tales from Acorn Wood (series) by Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler- the beauty of Donaldson’s words and Scheffler’s illustrations, with flaps!! What could be better? All of our versions of these books get steadily destroyed because they are read so often. The stories are really simple and easy for the kids to follow along.
That’s not my… books by Fiona Watt and Rachel Wells – of course. But not just for babies. The simple structure introduces young kids to adjectives and are still enjoyable years on! We have so many, my kids love them.
When you’re waiting for the phone to ring with news, whether it’s test results, the outcome of an interview, an update on a relative’s health or something as mundane as what you should buy for dinner, you’re living in a kind of limbo. I’m currently in that limbo as I wait to hear the result of an interview and I feel like I’ve been living in that limbo for over a month now. The limbo of “something is about to happen that could change my life even minutely and it may have already been decided but no one has told me yet”. It’s a funny, unsettling kind of feeling in that there are two (or more!) parallel universes (or timelines) depending on the outcome of that phone call. Your life could go down any of them but you don’t know which and you have no idea what the future holds in any of them. So what do you do? I know what I do… I think of what I should do if this happens, but then worry that I haven’t thought about what to do if that happens, until I eventually throw everything up in the air and decide “we’ll cross that bridge if/when we come to it”. This is generally my husband’s influence, but I am a forward thinker and planner. It makes me anxious not knowing what is going to happen.
Earlier this week I was on retreat. I’d never done it before and it was a really special time of deepening my relationship with God. I went largely with the intention of discerning where God was leading me, hoping to come away with a clear picture of a job role (there’s me even forward planning what the creator of the universe is going to say… Oops). Of course, God did nothing of the sort because he was working on his agenda and not mine. What he did speak to me about was trust.
Trust is something that I think I’m good at but actually I’m really not. Whether it’s trusting God, trusting people in relationships or even trusting myself, things get in the way. This may be largely down to past experiences but could also be down to my pride of thinking I’m the one who can do this better and I’m worried about what you’d do if I left it up to you. I’m sure (and hope!) I’m not alone in this…
In my journey with God recently this has looked like saying I trust him, that he is a faithful God (which he is) and that he has a plan (which he does), but then second guessing him when things start to happen. “What if they offer me this job, I don’t really want it, but am I meant to take it?!” “What if I say yes to this job and it’s completely the wrong thing and I regret it every day?!” “What if they don’t offer me this job?? I’m never going to find another job I want to do again!” See, it’s stressful being me.
This is not trusting God!! Trusting God is letting go, taking a breath and waiting for it to unfold. Trusting God is waiting for him to speak to you, giving him the time to and zoning yourself out. Trusting God is hard, counterintuitive and countercultural. Our culture is all about trusting yourself, listening to yourself and “following your own bliss”. I’m choosing to trust in a being I can’t see and sometimes doubt the existence of. Even as Christians, we’ve got to admit that’s a bit crazy.
But something God has reminded me this week (and yes, what I did need reminding) is that he is real, and if he is real, then he has a plan, yes, but more than that, if he is real then what have I to fear? “The Lord [my] God is with [me], the mighty warrior who saves.” (Zeph 3:17). Even the darkness is not dark to him (Psalm 139:12). I’m not going to lie, sometimes I will forget this, sometimes I will fail to see him, sometimes I will think I know best.
But if God is real and he is who he says he is, then he is not only worthy of all praise and honour and glory, but he is worthy of my trust. So I’m sitting here in this limbo, waiting for the phone to ring, knowing that God has given me a good feeling about this one but also not holding too tightly. So if I get it, he is good and he is faithful and he has a plan. If I don’t, he is good and he is faithful and he has a plan.
“The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:14). So, I will
be still and know that he is God (Psalm 46:10) and he is with me. He is good and his plans are to prosper me, not to harm me; to give me a hope and a future (Jer 29:11). If I would only trust in him and not myself, he will make my paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6) Whether I get a job now or it’s back to the drawing board, I will rest in this knowledge and trust that this season will, like so many before it, become testimony to God’s unfailing love.
Just a few days after B & L turned three, they had their last ever breastfeed. I’m feeling a lot of feelings about it. I’m insanely proud to have fed twins for as long as I did, heartbroken that I’m never going to breastfeed a baby again and profoundly relieved that it’s over. Apart from a few months when I was pregnant with the twins, I had been breastfeeding continuously for 5 years. Now I feel like I’m stepping into a season of claiming my body back. I can now wear clothes that don’t have easy boob access! The girls are spending longer in nursery, C is now doing full time in school, I suddenly have more time and slightly more headspace to think about me and what I want to do with my life.
However, I’m also stepping into this season with a totally different body to before I had kids, with no sense of how to dress myself and only a little bit of a sense of who I actually am and what I actually want. I’m sure lots of mums/parents of tiny ones who are growing up can relate. So much of my focus has been on the next feed, on how to entertain/care for the kids, so much of my time has been taken up by them (and rightly so, as they are fully dependent on us as their parents!) It’s a bittersweet season to be stepping into as they don’t need us as much as they did, which is so freeing but also makes my heart ache for the baby stage.
Writing has always been the way I process my thoughts and try to figure out who I am, so this practice of frequently writing blog posts has been helpful for me. Often, if you read it, you’ll be hopping into my stream of consciousness which will have many twists and turns and the occasional waterfall, so hold on tight!
At the end of last year, I demarked this year as the year of claiming my body back from the season of early motherhood. I stopped breastfeeding, I had my ears re-pierced (they had closed up after years of not wearing earrings), you may remember I wrote a whole blog post on my love for running… Of course, life always gets in the way of these things and a knee injury and frequent illnesses have prevented me from running as much as I was planning and hoping to. I want to strive for health in the physical and mental sense (yes I’m aware I sound like my fitness watch) now that my body is my own again.
How to do this? I don’t fully know, and it will probably take time and much trial and error. But I’m game to squeeze as much as I can out of my “one wild and precious life”, so here goes.
Are you in a similar season? Have you already been in this season and have tips for me? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
There are some books (fiction and non-fiction) that have a lasting impact on your life once you’ve read them. One of those, as a Christian, is of course the Bible, but I’m not going to talk about that here. However, it has turned out that these are all books written by Christians and basically all of them are “Christian” books. Christian books are the non-fiction books I’m drawn to the most as I ride the rollercoaster that is a life of faith. I appreciate not everyone who reads this blog are of the Christian faith, but I hope you might find it an interesting read anyway!
Pure: Sex and Relationships God’s Way by Linda Marshall- there is a lot to be said about Christian purity culture, largely negative. However, when I read this book at the age of 20 after being in an on-off relationship with a non-Christian for years, I received the conviction I had been running away from our entire relationship. It gave me the courage and determination to leave what was, in retrospect, a pretty toxic relationship. It’s hard to describe to anyone who hasn’t experienced God speaking to them through what they read but one sentence jumped out to me like it was being shouted in my ears. That was all it took for me to make an ultimately life altering decision. I’ve never read the book since and I’m not sure I’d recommend it to anyone as I think it was quite condemning of certain relationships. But God used it anyway to change my life’s direction, so I’m profoundly grateful for it.
The Lazy Genius Way by Kendra Adachi– the one practical book on this list! I love this book, the podcast that accompanies it and the author who is hilarious, practical and so wise. Her mantra is “Be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don’t.” The book covers 13 principles which, instead of promising “life hacks” or supercharged productivity, help you manage your life and decisions you have to make kindly. These are the 13 principles:
Simple right? I highly recommend the book and her podcast for practical solutions to many different obstacles in life. You can apply the principles to anything in life, from wardrobe decluttering to moving house.
Crazy Love by Francis Chan– I think any millennial Christian will have read this book and recognise its impact. The incredible stories of people who have shown Jesus’ love so practically and powerfully are inspiring. I’ve read it multiple times and even now I’m thinking I want to read it again. Sometimes when your own faith is lacking, seeing how God is working in other people’s lives and seeing their strong faith can help stoke the dwindling flame of your own. Red Moon Rising and Dirty Glory by Pete Grieg are other examples of this for me.
Garden City by John Mark Comer– disclaimer: I’m a huge JMC fan so could probably list all his books here. However, Garden City is the first of his books that I read and I read it at a time I was feeling really stuck and bored in my job. It showed me that it didn’t matter what I did for work, be it a CEO, gardener or stay at home mum, I can do it all for God’s glory. Plus his teachings on Sabbath are so inspiring and convicting that, even though it seems almost impossible right now, both Sam and I really hope to instill it in our family in the future.
Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldridge– I don’t think there’s another book I’ve read that has so beautifully revealed Jesus as a real, breathing human being. It looks at the personality of Jesus shown through the Gospels and helps bring the stories to life. Occasionally it helps to have a different lens to read the Bible through when you’ve been reading it for years, and this book definitely provides that.
There are probably plenty more books I could add here (I haven’t even mentioned Sarah Bessey who has been a hugely comforting companion on my faith journey), and I’m sure there are more to be added in the future. But these are the ones I can think of right now!
Which books have changed your life? What other book themed posts are you interested in reading? Let me know!
Mustard Seed Autism Trust is a registered Charity providing support to autistic children, their parents and siblings. They provide occupational therapy, resources to help with social communication and emotional wellbeing and support groups and workshops for parents and siblings. Their services are constantly in high demand so their waiting list only opens very briefly several times a year. We were fortunate enough to be able to get Caleb on the waiting list last summer and he received an occupational therapy assessment, which included a school visit where the occupational therapist spoke to his teacher about ways to help him in school, and a 5-week block of one to one sessions on emotions and emotional wellbeing. These were provided for no cost to us at all. It’s a truly amazing charity.
It’s the five sessions on emotions, led by the wonderful Jen, that I’m going to be sharing about here… Before I get into it though, I wanted to ask for you to consider donating to Mustard Seed. As a charity, they rely on donations to carry out their work and, as I said above, their services are in very high demand. If 50 of you reading donated just £1, that would cover the cost of the resources for another child receieving emotional wellbeing sessions. You can donate here: https://www.peoplesfundraising.com/donation/emma-fundraises-for-mustard-seed. Thank you in advance! I also want to mention that I asked for the charity’s permission before writing this blog.
In the first week of the five sessions, we looked at regulated breathing, and how our breath can help us calm down. This involved blowing bubbles, blowing through straws, “blowing out” an LED candle and some calm breathing exercises.
These breathing exercises (shown on the cards in the photo) have been really helpful in regulating Caleb and I’ve used them several times since the session. Even if he doesn’t do the breathing “properly”, the act of following my finger as I make the shape of a star, for example, encourages him to focus and be present so calms him down.
Week 2’s focus was push and pull. These activities engage a sense of proprioception, or body awareness. Examples of activities were wall pushes, tug of war, tearing recycling and jumping on boxes. Caleb really enjoyed the less destructive activities, like the tug of war, and he often does heavy work like pushing tyres as part of some occupational therapy at school. However, when we ripped paper he wanted it to be put back together so that aspect wasn’t great for him. But some kids love it!
Week 3 was focussing on deep pressure. This included doing exercises with resistance bands (which Caleb loves doing anyway), a body sock, a therapy ball, and (the real kicker) a weighted blanket. We have been considering getting Caleb a weighted blanket for a while. When Jen encouraged Caleb to lie down on the blanket and she wrapped him in it, it was like calm descended on him. It was the calmest and stillest I have seen him in a long time, potentially ever. He clearly really enjoyed the pressure on his whole body and the peace it brought him. We’ve now invested in a weighted blanket for him and he sleeps with it. Whilst he normally spends hours jumping on the bed at bedtime, he now lies still, watches The Snail and the Whale a few times and then eventually switches off (still much later than we would like, but there has been an improvement).
If you are considering getting your child a weighted blanket, it mustn’t be much more than 10% of their body weight, as a safety measure.
Week 4 focused on busy hands. These are activities that keep the hands busy to calm the mind. In the session, this included popping bubble wrap, playing with fidget toys and (Caleb’s favourite) a rice bucket. For this activity, Jen had a small box filled with (uncooked) rice with a few small toys hidden inside. However, Caleb just really enjoyed the feel of the rice in his hands so he spent a good five minutes quietly playing with it. We’ve since filled a box at home with rice but the girls use it to “feed” each other… But at least it gets played with.
Week 5 was on den building. This was all about creating a safe, calming space for Caleb to hang out in. This could include blankets, colourful lights and gentle music. Jen brought out a sensory tent which is a fantastic small, dark tent with a slightly shiny interior. It is dark inside and when you also have some coloured lights in there, such as fibre optic lights, they reflect beautifully on the sides. We also put a lovely soft rug in there which Caleb was drawn to every session, and some fidget toys. This kept him quiet and calmly occupied until we needed to leave. Proper sensory tents are quite expensive, but I lucked out and got a small pop-up UV tent for free off Facebook. I’ve got a fibre optic lamp and I’ve managed to source the exact rug from the sessions off Vinted! You can see how the cost of fun sensory things can add up, thank goodness for DLA!
Every week, we did some animal walking/Mario Kart walking, i.e. walking about in the way we would imagine an animal or Mario Kart character would! This was Caleb’s favourite thing to do every week and he often asked me to film him in slow motion, which just added another level of fun. Moving and engaging his body in this way was a really fun tool to help Caleb regulate himself. It’s also a really easy, free thing to crack out when you can feel things getting tense!
There were various other games and resources we used each week which helped Caleb learn how to recognise and name different emotions. Some involved sorting images into categories of “happy” and “sad” and explaining why he made those decisions e.g. this one is sad because they are crying, this one is happy because they are smiling. He improved in this so well over the 5 week sessions, so at the end he could tell us of a time that he had felt sad, what had made him sad and how he had cried to express that sadness. This is huge for Caleb.
We also talked a lot about zones of regulation, which you may be familiar with if you have a child at school or work in a school. Jen made Caleb a wonderful chart including Yoshi because he’s in a Mario Kart phase at the moment and his cuddly Yoshi joined us at every session! Some children find it really useful to place their emotions into different colours, as a way to express simply how they are feeling. Caleb doesn’t find this that helpful at the moment but hopefully once he gets older, it will become a useful tool for him. Jen encouraged us to model how to use it, for example “I love it when you play with your sisters, that makes me feel really happy like green Yoshi/I’m feeling very tired and poorly today, like blue Yoshi”.
All in all, we learned an awful lot in five weeks and found some tools and strategies that can really help Caleb to regulate himself. Emotional dysregulation is a very common trait in autistic kids, but also lots of kids find it difficult to regulate their emotions, especially when they are young. So I really hope you find some of these ideas helpful and they help your child calm themselves too. Please can I ask you again to consider donating to Mustard Seed so that more children can gain access to this support: https://www.peoplesfundraising.com/donation/emma-fundraises-for-mustard-seed.
Is there anything specific you like to do with your child that helps them regulate or learn about their emotions? Let me know!
Other resources we used during the 5 sessions
These emotion stones were a really lovely tool to use by themselves or by pressing them into play dough.
This pineapple expressions game was a fun way to play with how a face might express emotions.
This emotions detective game was a fun way to learn about everyday conflicts, how they can make us feel and how to resolve them.
We used dominoes cards similar to these as a way to recognise and match up emotions.
This week marks our twins girls’ third birthday! I can’t believe that they’re no longer my babies but fully fledged preschoolers (though of course, they’ll always be my babies). It’s been a whirlwind three years, incredibly hard at times but also unspeakably beautiful.
There is nothing quite like raising multiples, and it’s difficult to convey exactly what it’s like to people who haven’t done it before. So I thought I would compile a list of things that twin parents would like to tell others about having twins. I asked friends and also a couple of twin parents’ Facebook groups to share and here’s what we came up with!
Starting off with some of my thoughts…
You just do it. So many people have asked me “How do you do it?” or said, “I couldn’t do it”. But, like everything in life, you just do it. You find what works best/what causes as little stress and you get on with it. I have (pre-twins) been one of those people who thought I couldn’t possibly handle twins. And yet here I am! Surviving and occasionally thriving.
It’s in equal parts hilarious, wonderful, and terrifying when they talk in their own language to each other, as you have no idea what they may be plotting!
The phrase “double trouble” really bugs me, but you do indeed get double of everything. Double the dirty nappies, double the sick, double the mess. But also double the joy, double the love, and double the fun.
It can be so difficult to see them as two different people at times, especially when they’re identical. But, of course, they have their own personalities, their own likes and dislikes, and their own strengths and weaknesses. The challenge to treat them as separate people when they’re always together is a big one!
Other twin parents’ thoughts*
It’s more than double the work of one, on less than half the sleep! But the way they cuddle each other makes it so worth it- Hannah
You’ll get stopped several times a day by people who want to tell you about their aunty’s cousin’s best friend who has twins- Emma S
Nobody told me how amazing it is! Seeing their bond strengthen, seeing them develop their personalities and them discovering the world together. It’s the greatest privilege- Ulrica
I didn’t realise how much of a people person you’ve got to be😂. I just want to push my pram and mind my own business 😅- Jess
You will probably have a lot of feelings about what you ‘thought’ life with a baby might look like. The same with birth and what that might have looked like in reality. And then more uncertainty about what the future looks like, especially in regards to more children and if that’s even a viable possibility- Emily
I love it when people who are twins are like “I’M A TWIN! I LOVE MY TWIN!” It’s so cute- Holly
Complete strangers will want to talk in graphic detail about your pregnancy/delivery and whether or not they’re IVF babies- Rebecca
Here’s the truth I’ve found…to be true, for me (with that cautious caveat, every family is different!): When they get to a certain age, having twins seems to be easier than having one. As my twins have grown from babies to toddlers to little kids, people have regularly commented “Wow! Twins? That must be hard?” but mine entertain each other. There’s that joke that mums never get to have a hot cup of tea but I often do. Of course, I play with them (I promise haha) but if they want to play they have a perfect playmate ready and waiting. They don’t constantly need me. And oh biscuits, am I grateful.- Sarah (@sarahclarkecelebrates on Insta, give her a follow for some wonderful twin content!)
You get so much attention when out with twins and mainly negative sounding comments – “you’ve got your hands full”, “I don’t know how you do it” and “double trouble”. They make me laugh because I think, you have no idea, my heart is fuller, I don’t have a choice but to do it and wouldn’t have it any other way and it’s double the joy. Yes, it’s not always easy but what toddler is! I’ve got a mug and it says ‘I’ve got twins. What’s your superpower?’ and as silly as that is, it sums up how life with twins feels perfectly. There’s a lot more going on in this world, so demands for snacks and requests for Peppa Pig twice over are more than manageable. Just got to keep that mug full of coffee 😅- Hels
They fight like absolute savages- April
You have such different relationships with each twin despite being twins. Maybe from a girl/boy perspective this is more? But raising a boy and a girl at the same time is wild.- Emily
The comparison starts almost as soon as they are born: “I cuddled this one whilst that one had to go to NICU, and now this one is making eye contact and smiling, whilst that one is still looking through me rather than at me…” And suddenly they are in school. That one is spectacular with reading, writing and counting, and has a gift for friendship-making, empathy and compassion. This one is still working out her place in school, still learning how to be a good friend, some days she tries really hard with her reading and counting but some days she isn’t bothered at all. Are they different because of me? Did I do something right with That One that I forgot to do with This One? Or, worse, did I do something wrong with This One that That One managed to escape. When they were babies, we chose what was right for them together as a pair. When to wean them, when to potty train them. They just hit those milestones together. Now we are navigating them discovering their own unique personalities and interests, and making decisions with and for them that are right for each individual child, not forgetting that they have a very special, unique relationship with their twin and a very special, unique identity as a twin. Ultimately I believe that actually, I wasn’t given two blank human babies to unfold. I was gifted two intended, wonderfully designed, and cleverly created babies by the King of the Universe, who loves them and knows them. Trusting him with them is the best way I can grow as their mum.- Lucy
Does anything here surprise you? Maybe it’s encouraged you to speak differently to twin parents you see. Maybe it’s shown you that parenting twins isn’t (only) the chaos you assume it is. Maybe it’s revealed the challenges of having twins, so you’re inspired to reach out to people you know who have them. I’d love to know what you think.
*I have edited some of these for clarity and conciseness and changed some names.
I’ve been a parent for 5 and a half years so I am by no means a veteran. However, they have been a very busy and eventful 5.5 years, so have offered many a lesson on parenting tiny humans. I have also been listening a lot to parenting podcasts such as Motherkind and The Therapy Edit, which have both taught me so much about the realities, joys and challenges of being a parent, and how to look after myself in them. Now, I do not claim to be an expert in anything and also one of my children is autistic and the others are twins, which both lend to a rather intense experience of motherhood. My path likely looks different to yours. So this is not guidance or advice, just some things I have learned personally. Also, I do not do these things all the time, but I’m trying to do them more of the time. Take or leave what you will!
Get playful: This works better with the twins than with C at the moment, but I do remember when C was younger it was often playfulness that got him engaged or at least distracted him for a while from what ailed him (if I felt that was the appropriate thing to do). Things like pretending to put the girls’ pyjamas on ourselves to convince them to get dressed, joining in with their silliness when they’re not listening or pretending to forget the names of toys. Sam is especially good at this and is brilliant at playing dumb, which B and L find hilarious. This not only makes the experience more fun for them, we find it often encourages compliance and we get more out of it too!
Be their calm: a lot of the time when either of the children are having a tantrum/meltdown/”emotion explosion” as we call them, it’s a case of waiting it out. So I will sit down next to them, as close as they’ll let me, and offer a hug for when they’re ready. It can be so hard when someone is yelling at you not to respond in kind, but I’ve learned through experience and podcasts that children are simply not able to control their emotions, so cannot calm down without our help. So I will take many deep breaths and keep my voice low and quiet to hopefully radiate the calm they need. We are constantly dealing with emotion regulation in this house, and the thing we’ve found to be the most impactful is learning to control our own emotions first.
Being a parent is hard work: not to be a doomsayer, but it is. Dr Rick Hanson, when speaking on the Motherkind podcast, shared the statistic that being home alone with young children is more stressful than 98% of occupations. Some of you will think that’s a load of rubbish but I hope some of you will feel seen and validated by that. It’s not so much the fact that it is hard that I want to talk about though, it’s the ability to acknowledge the fact and give yourself grace for when you find things hard. It’s so easy as a parent to just assume you’re doing things wrong, or that you’re a bad mum/dad, when you find things hard. But the truth is, it’s just really hard. I wish I had known this as a new parent the first time round. Intrusive thoughts are normal. Wanting to give the baby back, even, is normal. These things pass but they’re so difficult to experience. Let’s not forget that one of the reasons parenting is such hard work is because we love these tiny humans more than life itself and we long for them to be safe, happy and healthy. When life gets in the way of this, it’s hard to deal with.
Find your people: following on from the above point, it’s so important to have people in your life who “get” the specific challenges you face every day. For example, I’m part of a group of local mums of autistic kids in our village who meet once a month and also have a WhatsApp group. We share the stresses of applying for EHCPs, the heartache of bad drop offs and the frustration at limited special school places. Then there is a Facebook group I’m a part of for parents of twins. I’ve never met anyone in that group in real life, but they understand the chaos and joy that come with parenting twins. I can take issues and questions to them that I feel like I can’t take anywhere else, because they understand immediately where I’m coming from. So find your people, either in the flesh or online. You are not in this alone and there is no need to feel like you are.
You do not get a gold star for being a martyr: You are not a bad parent if you need a break. You do not need to break your back tending to all your precious children’s needs all by yourself. You can ask for space, you can ask for help, you can ask for advice, you can say you have no idea what you’re doing (spoiler: no one does). Pretending to have it all together only hurts you. Get a cleaner if you can afford it. Don’t feel bad about putting the kids in childcare even if they don’t “need” to go. Put them in front of the TV so you can hide in the kitchen hoovering chocolate for five minutes. Try to let go of your need to do it all and be perfect. This is not only so your kids can benefit from a calmer parent, it’s because you deserve to feel calm, peaceful and happy with your life.
Pick your battles: yesterday evening, L went to bed wearing a fancy dress instead of pyjamas. Whereas today, C came for a walk with us in his pyjamas because he didn’t want to get dressed. When we’re out of the house, the kids all keep their hats on all. the. time. Whether we are inside or outside. Sometimes it’s just easier and quicker to let them do the thing they want to do instead of arguing against it. As long as it’s safe and not hurting anyone, go for it! Like Anna Mathur suggests doing on The Therapy Edit, I regularly need to stop and ask myself “does this actually matter?” Is it worth spending my very limited energy resources on fighting this? If not, I won’t.
What are some lessons you’ve learned? Do you agree or disagree with mine? Let me know!
Emma Dinsmore 