As anyone who knows me knows, I am a voracious reader. I regularly have 3 or 4 books on the go and, before you ask, yes I do sometimes get confused with the different stories and characters. I love the escape from real life reading provides, it’s how I unwind and what I use to keep my mind active while looking after tiny humans.
There are certain authors that I have discovered and become mildy obsessed with to the extent that I will attempt to read everything they’ve ever written. Once I’ve discovered a type of writing that I really enjoy, like the Texas BBQ stuffed crust pizza at Domino’s, I will go back to it again and again. It can be so rare to find authors who write in a way that you find beautiful, engaging and gripping. Whose characters are believable, well fleshed out and lovable. So why stray from what you know?

Yes they are all women, yes they are all focused on women’s stories. I don’t think that’s an accident.

Kristin Hannah- a Canadian author whose writing is near perfect in my mind. Her stories are all about women, their friendships and relationships with each other, their romantic entanglements and the challenges they have overcome. I would recommend any of the books she’s written but to give a few: The Nightingale, Four Winds and Firefly Lane (wayyy better than the TV show). Her books are always fairly long so if you’re looking for a meaty, emotional, in depth read, go grab one of hers.

Emily Henry- funny rom coms, easy to read, often a bit of grit and spice in there too. Love all of her novels but I think her latest, Happy place, is my fave.

Beth O’Leary- the British Emily Henry, if you will. The No-show has been my favourite of hers so far, but I haven’t read her latest The Wake Up Call. Light, wonderful books to cosy up with.

JoJo Moyes – the British Queen of romance novels. However, she went really left field with The Giver of Stars and it is a stunning book. I also really enjoyed her latest book In Her Shoes, which was again a step away from her usual stories. Great, easy to read books to grab if you’re in a reading slump/are on holiday.

Lucy Clarke- light destination thrillers with female leads. I first read One of the Girls with my book club and didn’t think it was amazing but enjoyed it enough to try others of hers and I enjoyed them much more. A good load of twists, female friendships and the setting is always integral to the story. Her latest, The Hike, is probably her best but they’re all very good, and not too heart poundingly tense!

There are probably more I could list but 5 is enough! Is there an author that you have read everything by?

I haven’t written in a really long time, so I thought I’d do a kind of intro post to get warmed up.

As a way to start I’ll update you on how things are with our family right now. We are at half term which means that Caleb has been in mainstream year R for 7 weeks! This may not seem like a big deal to most of you but considering when he started school in September 2022 (when he had just turned 4) we withdrew him after only 3 weeks because he was struggling and there was zero support for him, this is amazing. We are so proud of him and the friendships he has made. It’s been really beautiful to drop him off and see his friends greet him and envelop him in hugs. I swear he brings out the best in people, it’s one of his gifts. At the moment he’s doing a mix of half days and full days with the hope that he will eventually do 5 full days. But we’ll see. It feels less important for him to be in full time than for him to be happy and well regulated.

Now that we are over the hurdles of getting a diagnosis and applying for an EHCP and DLA, we are in the privileged position of not having to fill in reams of forms and fight for support, because we have it. Now we live with the day-to-day joys and challenges of parenting and living with an autistic child, which I may or may not go into further detail on in future posts. One thing I will share is the current main struggle this half term, for all the kids, which has been emotional regulation. The girls struggle with it because they’re only 2 and Caleb struggles with it because of his age as well, but more so because he’s autistic. That means Sam and I need to be even better at handling our emotions, which is tricky when you’re regularly getting screamed at by 3 tiny humans. There have been lots of tears and moments when we feel totally out of our depth and lost at what to do. Thankfully there have also been lots of moments of laughter, silliness and cuteness, otherwise we would be close to giving up!

There have been many things that have been helping me keep my sanity and joy these last few weeks, so I thought I’d share them with you. This is a phrase I’m borrowing from an author and podcaster I love called Kendra Adachi who borrowed it from Barbara Brown Taylor…

“What is saving my life now”

Books- I’ve read some real corkers recently and I’ve got my local book club to thank for that. One that I must recommend to you is American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins. The protagonist is Mexican bookseller Lydia who is forced to flee her home with her young son after their whole family is murdered. The story follows their travels through Mexico to the border with the US, where they want to emigrate. There are some tough moments in the book, but it’s also beautifully written. The descriptions of the scenery and characters are evocative and the relationship between Lydia and her son is powerful and so moving. The story is gripping, heart breaking and often hard hitting. Read it, it gets 5 stars from me.

Podcasts- I have recently listened to the 3 part series Faith in Kids have recently done on Autism and the Church which you can find here. The discussions have sparked hope in me for what church could look like for us as a family with a child with special needs. It’s amazing to hear the lengths some churches are going to to ensure that families like ours feel welcomed and supported in church. There are also some really touching examples of where autistic children have expressed their own understanding of faith in their own way. It’s hard to find much content on the niche parenting/Christian/autism overlap, so I’m thrilled someone recommended it to me. I’m just so glad that some people somewhere are having these discussions and have been kind enough to share them with us.

Music- Benjamin William Hastings’s self-titled album is on repeat at the moment. Christian singer songwriters can occasionally come across a bit twee and cheesy, but Hastings’s lyrics are raw, honest and beautiful. Plus, it’s just really good music. Occasionally he’ll sing something that feels like a gut punch because it echoes how I’m feeling about my faith and life. He doesn’t tiptoe around issues of doubt or feeling distant from God and his songs about his children are enough to make you cry. It’s a long album and there are special editions of it that are even longer, but it’s great.

Chocolate- Like, how great is chocolate? My favourite (even though it’s pricey) is Tony’s Caramel and Sea Salt bar. I could gobble that up in seconds.

So there you have it. I haven’t included what TV I’m watching at the moment as it’s trash to be honest. But if you’re interested, Sam and I are watching Scandal and I’m watching Ginny and Georgia. Neither top rate shows but enough to keep you interested!

What is currently saving your life?

We’re moving house in a week and, despite us upsizing, I’m finding myself giving more and more stuff away, decluttering and shedding old versions of our life which don’t fit anymore. I remember arriving at this house and unpacking all this stuff that I just didn’t care about, or even want. It was stressful and brought me down as I felt overwhelmed by all we owned. I just wanted to set it all on fire and start afresh!

While we will have more room in the new place for all our stuff, I’m still keen to only really take things that we love, use and need. Plus I’m aware that we will most likely fill the space we live in, no matter what size it is. That happens, doesn’t it? Just as I’m giving away books, I’m spotting new books I want to own. As I’m passing on old toys, there are other ones I think the kids would love. It often seems we declutter not to have less stuff, but to make room for new stuff.

We’re in an odd season because we’re moving into a house that I would LOVE to be a “forever home” but we’ll most likely only be in it for three years. Then we’ll move off again, probably to a different part of the country. Such is clergy training life.

So while we’re in this house that we would never be able to afford to buy, I don’t want to take it for granted! It is a huge privilege and gift to have it for however long we stay there. I have hopes and dreams for this house which I’m really excited about, and I pray God will use it and us for His glory.

It’s going to be an exciting few years with Sam working as a curate, Caleb starting school and Bethany and Lily growing into energetic, inquisitive, hilarious toddlers, then preschoolers.

My plan is to stay at home until the girls start school, at which point I may look for a job. But, as we all know, God laughs at our plans (“let’s decide to only have two children”), so these next few years will probably look like me (and all of us) discovering what life looks like in this new season; holding things loosely, trusting in God’s goodness and faithfulness.

I’m looking forward to updating you with how I manage a five bedroom house with a massive garden, with three small children running around. It might be a disaster, but we’re sure to have lots of fun on the way!

I was sat in the crèche room at church this morning, listening to the service being piped in (the crèche room is a windowed room inside the main sanctuary) and watching the kids play, thinking about the point of me being there.

Let me elaborate. Bethany had got a puzzle to the head so had demonstrated the full capacity of her lungs to the congregation, while Sam was trying to solemnly lead prayers. Caleb would just shout at us when we tried to sing along to the worship songs (he does this at home too). Lily was being her adventurous little self in a room not entirely built for that exploration.

I was half listening to the service, half worshipping, half praying, half being part of the church community. If we had left without joining others for drinks outside, you would have hardly known we were there (not accounting for the screaming).

So what is the point? What is the point in being physically present at church but mentally, even spiritually, absent? Now that so many services are streamed online, one could argue that there isn’t a point. You could join a service at a time that suits you, where the kids were absent and you could properly engage.

But I think there is something so valuable to attending a church service, no matter the season you’re in. Not only does it demonstrate to the children that we are a family that goes to church (and they better get used to it, since their dad is going to be a vicar). But it also demonstrates to everyone, including yourself, that church is not just a place for when life is good, quiet, in order. It’s not even just a place for when you’re feeling close to God, or even believing in God.

Church is for all seasons, all life stages, all of life. We join together as God’s people in times of celebration and grief. When life is peaceful and when life is chaos (and life with 3 under 4 feels like chaos). When life is all going to plan and when it’s all falling apart.

So I’m not saying that we should force ourselves to attend church when we’re feeling vulnerable or really not up to it. But church should feel like a place that we can go to when we’re vulnerable, even when we’re suffering.

So bring your chaos, bring your burdens, bring your screaming children. God’s house is the place to be, He loves and longs for you to be there.

If you know me, you (hopefully) know that I am a Christian. I was raised as a Christian, I made the decision to follow Jesus for myself at 13 and I’ve been a believer since then.

However, there have been days/weeks/months/years where I have struggled to believe. Times when I have doubted the very existence of God and times when the Christian story of God coming to Earth to live, die and live again, has seemed absurd. My faith has sometimes been smothered by the evil in the world, by harm caused to others, by natural disasters… Reasons, I’m sure, why many people do not believe in God in the first place.

Many Christians go through these seasons. We may call it “the dark night of the soul” or “the wilderness”. Whilst you may see these topics in seminars at Christian conferences, we’re rarely brave enough to admit to our struggles and doubts to those closest to us. I’ve only very tentatively shared my occasional doubts with my husband, afraid of the shame, judgement or simple confusion I would receive from others.

But despite my occasional lapses in faith, to steal a catchphrase from the wonderful late Rachel Held Evans, “on the days I believe…” my relationship with God is happy and intimate. For so long, He may be silent, but then I will feel, rather than hear, His whispers in the most ordinary things.

Like after feeding Bethany or Lily in the night, when I hold them for a moment, heavy with sleep, against my chest and I’m overwhelmed by a sense of love, peace, joy, of God with me.

Or when I’m daydreaming out the window and a flock of birds, black against the baby blue sky, flies together in perfect synchronisation, and I see the order and beauty that God intended for our world.

Or when I read a great book, listen to anything by Lin Manuel Miranda, or I’m moved by a piece of art, my mind is blown by the human creativity that reflects that of our Creator.

Then there is Jesus. No matter how many times I struggle with the idea of an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent God, I cannot break away from the person of Jesus.

His radical welcome of people of all kinds; his healing power; his heart for justice and righteousness; his compassion for the outcast and needy. The fire in his heart and the cool balm of his presence.

There is no one like the historical Jesus and, as I reflect on Him, I see God. That’s how I keep coming back, why I keep fighting for my faith, and sometimes it really does feel like a fight.

But, in God’s kindness, despite the times I’ve denied Him, questioned Him, cursed Him, He keeps meeting me. In my darkest places, He’s there, even if I can’t feel Him. It is never Him that moves, but me, and time and time again, He illuminates the path back to Himself.

God is so good, so kind, so extravagantly generous. But I know there will be times in the future when I doubt this, and doubt He’s even real. I wish that wasn’t the case, but I have been on this journey for a while, I know it well. There are peaks and troughs. Mountains and valleys. There is brightness and darkness. He is the only constant. He is endlessly faithful, even while I am faithless. How amazing is that?

We’re coming to the end of 2021, with 2022 looming ahead of us, full of uncertainty, promise and tentative hope. I think we’ve all learnt the naivety and futility of hoping that next year will be “better”, that WE will be “better” next year. Globally, locally and personally, so much is out of our control, sometimes it feels like we are merely pawns in this game of Life.

But we must face forward with hope. We must take a minute and gather together all the scraps of knowledge, experience and wisdom we have learnt from this year. Sift through them, remind ourselves of them, smile at the ones that were joyful, cry at the ones they brought us pain and think of how to move forward with this hard earned truth.

I’ve learnt this year that we need people. Not just in the “let’s be friends because we both like TayTay” way, but in the “let me do your washing, let me bring you food, let me carry your burden, please will you help carry this burden with me” way. I’ve relied on and leaned on people in a way I would have previously been embarrassed about, but I hope that they know I am up for reciprocating any time. I’ve text people I barely know asking intimate questions about struggles peeing after a C-section, I’ve shared with total strangers on the internet the pain of leaving your babies in hospital, I’ve cried with anxiety in Zoom calls with faces of friends on a screen. And each time, the siren call of “me too, me too, me too” has reminded me that I’m not alone. I’m not alone in my anxiety, in my sense of loss, in my fear and in my darkness. We can be each others’ light in the darkest places of our lives, and haven’t we all walked through dark places, especially in the last couple of years?

Next year holds big changes for us as we move for Sam’s curacy and Caleb starts school (!) But I look at what we’ve faced this year, with Covid of course, but also with the stress, grief, wonder and exhaustion that accompanied the arrival of the twins, among other things. I am not the same person I was a year ago, and neither are you. I’ve looked on as friends home schooled their children, as they lost loved ones, as they welcomed new life, new jobs, new homes, as they walked through the valley of the shadow of death. So much lies ahead of us that we just cannot see yet. Yes that may include darkness and pain, but also such light, love and joy.

We don’t need to be afraid, as much as we don’t know what the future will bring. All we have is now, this moment, these people, these memories. And I believe in a God who sits with us in this moment, who has blessed us with these people, who draws out meaning and purpose from these memories.

Love your people, be proud of yourself and face the coming year with boldness. For you have faced “unprecedented times” for a couple of years now. I hope you know, or are starting to see, what you’re capable of. Great things, friend, great things.

I have been hugely inspired by Anna Mathur recently (@annamathur, go follow her!) She has written a couple of books: Mind Over Mother, which I’ve read, and Know Your Worth, which I’ve not read but I’m looking forward to reading.

How have I been inspired by her? By her radical, trail-blaizing, world-changing concept of… Looking after yourself. Particularly as a mum. Paying attention to your needs and how those needs are/aren’t being met. How does this look? For me, it’s looked like booking the eye test I got a reminder for instead of putting it off because it meant being away from the girls for all of half an hour. It looked like admitting to my mum that I was feeling overwhelmed and explicitly asking her to take a huge load of washing to a launderette so it could be cleaned and dried that day. At the moment, it’s looking like doing #onetinything (a hashtag started by Mathur), choosing a tiny way to show yourself care every day for a week then adding a new way every week (importantly you don’t stop doing the first thing!) For me this week, it’s setting myself 30 minute limits on my social media apps and NOT overriding them… I also love writing and find it so energising to have a creative output so I’m hopefully going to squeeze in more writing.

All this is done with the expectation that I will then have more energy and more resources to give out to my family, of course. But it’s also done because I deserve to not be scraping from the bottom of the barrel. I deserve help, I deserve to enjoy being a mum. And so do you! You deserve having your needs met because you are worthy of love and care JUST AS MUCH AS YOUR KIDS ARE.

The end. How are you going to look after yourself this week?

In my late teens or early twenties, my mum told me that she could really see me as a stay-at-home mum. For some reason, I found this incredibly insulting and said “don’t you want more for me than that?!” I’m not sure what the “more” I was referring to was and I do not fail to see the irony that now I’m a stay-at-home mum to three glorious children who I grew myself in my own body and who are, and probably will always be, my greatest achievements.
I’ve been thinking about this in between putting a wash on, hanging a wash up, putting another wash on, then settling a baby. Past me may look at present me and wonder where I’ve gone, where my dreams have gone in the laundry pile which is never ending and the changing and feeding two small babies; where my biggest adventure is when my toddler tries to escape the play park. But it is in this chaos, in this simple ordinariness, that I think I’ve found myself. Of course I still have dreams, most of which I’ve now realised will never actually happen. But I’m ok with that, and, hey, I might still get to write that novel. I might still get to be in that Broadway show and I still might be a popstar and go on tour with Britney Spears, who knows? But this place God has brought me to, with all its noise and mess, is a place where I find joy and meaning in my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always love being a stay-at-home mum. Sometimes the endless vomit and toddler emotional rollercoasters are draining, and housework will never be my friend. Once the kids are in school and my husband is a vicar, I may want to look at doing something else. Or not. Right now I can’t think of a job I’d want to do more than staying at home with the kids. Not even a job in an international charity, which was the dream when I was at university. But that’s an insane privilege to have and it might not always be that way.
Where am I going with this? It’s ok to be content with where you are. It’s ideal, actually. Life has seasons and the season you’re in may not be the most productive or fruitful (but if you’re raising kids, what could be more fruitful than that?) Life is surprising and the next season may be one of great activity and output. Just try resting in the season you’re in.

I started this blog post because I thought “I really should be writing about this time”. I should be writing about the loneliness and sadness I felt when Sam went to sleep in the spare room last night and I went to sleep in ours. I should be writing about hearing the sounds of Caleb’s laughter and shrieks and being able to picture his face when he makes them. I should be writing about the pride and gratitude I feel when I hear Sam reading, singing and speaking to Caleb. I should write about how I miss having Caleb sat on my lap with his long bare limbs, requesting the same book again and again. I should be writing about the fear that grips me when I’m trying to fall asleep, of Caleb becoming ill, of me not being able to breathe and having to be taken to hospital, leaving my loves at home.

Since I don’t quite have the energy at the moment, that’s all I feel like I can manage but I wanted to capture this moment and remember these feelings so that when I can return to life as normal within these walls (only a couple of days away), I can fully appreciate the gifts of my life.

There are so many things I am grateful for and so many people who have astounded me with their kindness and generosity, some of whom we haven’t even known for a year yet. God is showing me glimpses of His Kingdom that I haven’t yet seen and I know that there is so much more to come.

I will stress, I did not come up with this activity, but I can’t remember where I got it from!

I’ve found this a great activity which kept Caleb engaged for about twenty minutes. All it took was to poke a pen through a shoebox/cardboard box to make holes. I then demonstrated to Caleb how to put pieces of penne pasta (say that 5 times quickly) through the holes.

Such a simple activity but he really enjoyed it! Plus once he was bored with that, he used the box as a toy. Endless fun!