40 weeks/17th July/Due Date

Today’s the day and it has been and gone, from now there is no countdown, only the wait.
I gaze at my belly, still amazed that a human is in there and still baffled about how he will come out
Letting go of fear, leaning into God, reminding myself of all I have learnt.
Enjoying final moments with Sam as a two before we become all about you.
We really want to meet you now, little man, and see your gorgeous eyes. We long to kiss your soft head and count your tiny fingers and toes
Please come now, Caleb, we’re ready. Even though we know life will never again be the same.
You’ll turn our day to day upside down and we can’t wait.
So I breathe and be, breathe and be.
Your mummy.

39 weeks

39 weeks, so very nearly there.
My body seems to have declared mutiny and blessed me with polymorphic eruption of pregnancy, which is a horrible itchy rash over my bump, arms, thighs and hands and I also have a horrible cold.
I’m reaching out to all the pray-ers for their prayers and any advice I can get.
No idea how I’m going to do labour like this.
It’s probably all a lesson on how we can do nothing in our own strength, but I feel like I’ve already been learning that, so really don’t need this lesson.
I’m frustrated to tears at points by the itchiness, the cough, the blocked nose, the sore throat and the serious lack of sleep.
Lord God, in your mercy, please take all these things away. Please please please please.
Preferably before baby comes, because how am I meant to cope if I’m already physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted? Help me please help me.

Bump- 38 weeks

Hot hot hot heat
Full term
Comically large
Heatwave

I haven’t seen my ankles in weeks, I miss them…
So ready for baby to come, yet so not ready too!
Happy to hold on a couple more weeks, but please not much longer little boy!
Daily it’s hitting at least 28°C, no idea how women in hot countries do it.
I think I’ll stay in, with all the windows open and the fan on. This too shall pass, this too shall pass.

Bump- 34 weeks

My mind’s too tired to think of any poetry at the moment. I’m feeling pretty fed up of pregnancy and just want to meet our baby boy now! Friends who we are journeying along with are having their babies and as I hold them and look down on them, I imagine what it will be like to hold and look at you. To feed you. To soothe you. To have you fall asleep. To hand you to family and friends. To hand you to your daddy, and be handed you by him. To watch him feed you, soothe you, change you, talk to you and kiss you. We still have at least another month to wait, Caleb, and we are getting impatient! But there is still much to do, much to prepare. We had a party yesterday to celebrate you and those who could make it were just a tiny slither of the village who are going to be around you, helping to raise you. So many people are so excited for you, but none more than your mummy and daddy. Stay cooking in there, bub, and when you’re ready, we’ll be ready and we will love you so, so much.

Bump- 29 weeks

Mummy’s a whale
You look like you’re coming soon
But not yet, still two more months.
Tiredness is overwhelming
I lie on the sofa and rest
You roll and kick and squirm inside.
The fear is still there, but also an undercurrent of excitement and joy that we will see your face soon
Daddy’s eyes? Mummy’s smile?
Baby boy, we’ll see you in a little while.

Bump- 22 weeks

Marvelling eyes and itching hands
Only one pair allowed.
Such love and tenderness for swollen skin,
Such joy and anticipation for an expanding waistline.
You’re getting so big! now a compliment, an acknowledgement of excitement and potential
Stretching cotton, shrinking clothes, grow baby, grow.

20 weeks

We found out who you were that week in March it snowed
Our lives transformed like our city, covered in white, a blank page
I was wrong in my assumptions, but not a trace of disappointment was felt
The boy and man you will be filling my daydreams and mind
We ventured out in the snow together, into the bitter cold, you inside the warm cocoon
One day we will come out and play in the snow and your eyes will be filled with wonder, like mine
You will run and jump and gather it in your hands, laughing as it sticks to your gloves
We can’t wait to have these adventures with you, little man
But for the time being, we adventure as a two, soaking up these final moments before you enter our lives
You will enter a life already filled with love, Caleb, which will expand and overflow with you in it
Whole hearted boy of ours, you will fill our hearts as the snow fills the streets and the fields

12 weeks

Today we saw you for the very first time.
“Oh my God!” I exclaimed as you jumped into view.
No idea why I was so surprised to see you in there, moving and wriggling about.
Your hand goes to your face, as if you’re embarrassed, as if we’ve invaded your privacy by peeking into the intimate sanctuary of your hiding place.
The sonographer shows us your arms, your legs, your hands, your brain. We see each delicate part through your translucent skin.
There’s no hiding now, no pretence.
You are there and you are growing and you are ours. You are made of us, but you are separate from us. You already have your own life, your own destiny stretching out ahead of you.
I can try to keep you safe within me, shielded from the outside world. But in no time at all, you will escape my fort, be outside the barricades that currently protect you.
Oh little one, what a life you will lead. A life full of love, affection and trouble.

For now, stay with me, stay within the confines of my body and garner the strength you need for life out here. For it is tough, and it is tiring, and it is dark and scary. But we love you, and the One who created you loves you. With invisible shields, you can face life’s battles and with an army of angels, you can walk in the light.
But for now, stay here with me, sleep deep within me. Your time will come, but for now, stay.

6 weeks

A hidden secret

A small smile

A knowing glance

A yes deep within

Joy, love, fear intermingling within the space of a poppy seed

Soaring dreams and crushing doubts wash in and out on the shore of our minds

“Please hold on,” a whisper, a prayer, a wish.

A promise heard, a promise seen, a promise kept.

“Please hold on, little one, please hold on.”