I’ve been a parent for 5 and a half years so I am by no means a veteran. However, they have been a very busy and eventful 5.5 years, so have offered many a lesson on parenting tiny humans. I have also been listening a lot to parenting podcasts such as Motherkind and The Therapy Edit, which have both taught me so much about the realities, joys and challenges of being a parent, and how to look after myself in them. Now, I do not claim to be an expert in anything and also one of my children is autistic and the others are twins, which both lend to a rather intense experience of motherhood. My path likely looks different to yours. So this is not guidance or advice, just some things I have learned personally. Also, I do not do these things all the time, but I’m trying to do them more of the time. Take or leave what you will!

Get playful: This works better with the twins than with C at the moment, but I do remember when C was younger it was often playfulness that got him engaged or at least distracted him for a while from what ailed him (if I felt that was the appropriate thing to do). Things like pretending to put the girls’ pyjamas on ourselves to convince them to get dressed, joining in with their silliness when they’re not listening or pretending to forget the names of toys. Sam is especially good at this and is brilliant at playing dumb, which B and L find hilarious. This not only makes the experience more fun for them, we find it often encourages compliance and we get more out of it too!

Be their calm: a lot of the time when either of the children are having a tantrum/meltdown/”emotion explosion” as we call them, it’s a case of waiting it out. So I will sit down next to them, as close as they’ll let me, and offer a hug for when they’re ready. It can be so hard when someone is yelling at you not to respond in kind, but I’ve learned through experience and podcasts that children are simply not able to control their emotions, so cannot calm down without our help. So I will take many deep breaths and keep my voice low and quiet to hopefully radiate the calm they need. We are constantly dealing with emotion regulation in this house, and the thing we’ve found to be the most impactful is learning to control our own emotions first.

Being a parent is hard work: not to be a doomsayer, but it is. Dr Rick Hanson, when speaking on the Motherkind podcast, shared the statistic that being home alone with young children is more stressful than 98% of occupations. Some of you will think that’s a load of rubbish but I hope some of you will feel seen and validated by that. It’s not so much the fact that it is hard that I want to talk about though, it’s the ability to acknowledge the fact and give yourself grace for when you find things hard. It’s so easy as a parent to just assume you’re doing things wrong, or that you’re a bad mum/dad, when you find things hard. But the truth is, it’s just really hard. I wish I had known this as a new parent the first time round. Intrusive thoughts are normal. Wanting to give the baby back, even, is normal. These things pass but they’re so difficult to experience. Let’s not forget that one of the reasons parenting is such hard work is because we love these tiny humans more than life itself and we long for them to be safe, happy and healthy. When life gets in the way of this, it’s hard to deal with.

Find your people: following on from the above point, it’s so important to have people in your life who “get” the specific challenges you face every day. For example, I’m part of a group of local mums of autistic kids in our village who meet once a month and also have a WhatsApp group. We share the stresses of applying for EHCPs, the heartache of bad drop offs and the frustration at limited special school places. Then there is a Facebook group I’m a part of for parents of twins. I’ve never met anyone in that group in real life, but they understand the chaos and joy that come with parenting twins. I can take issues and questions to them that I feel like I can’t take anywhere else, because they understand immediately where I’m coming from. So find your people, either in the flesh or online. You are not in this alone and there is no need to feel like you are.

You do not get a gold star for being a martyr: You are not a bad parent if you need a break. You do not need to break your back tending to all your precious children’s needs all by yourself. You can ask for space, you can ask for help, you can ask for advice, you can say you have no idea what you’re doing (spoiler: no one does). Pretending to have it all together only hurts you. Get a cleaner if you can afford it. Don’t feel bad about putting the kids in childcare even if they don’t “need” to go. Put them in front of the TV so you can hide in the kitchen hoovering chocolate for five minutes. Try to let go of your need to do it all and be perfect. This is not only so your kids can benefit from a calmer parent, it’s because you deserve to feel calm, peaceful and happy with your life.

Pick your battles: yesterday evening, L went to bed wearing a fancy dress instead of pyjamas. Whereas today, C came for a walk with us in his pyjamas because he didn’t want to get dressed. When we’re out of the house, the kids all keep their hats on all. the. time. Whether we are inside or outside. Sometimes it’s just easier and quicker to let them do the thing they want to do instead of arguing against it. As long as it’s safe and not hurting anyone, go for it! Like Anna Mathur suggests doing on The Therapy Edit, I regularly need to stop and ask myself “does this actually matter?” Is it worth spending my very limited energy resources on fighting this? If not, I won’t.

What are some lessons you’ve learned? Do you agree or disagree with mine? Let me know!